May 27, 2010
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Funeral Tonight
I was best friends with Ron for 7 years. He had gotten AIDS long before I even met him, and I knew that one day, I would lose my friend to it. I never thought he and Jerry would break up, and that our little family would choose sides and then split down the middle. I never thought I would end up taking care of Ron like I did, in and out of hospitals for weeks at a time, losing work and school time to be there for him, the stress slowly eating away at me. I never thought a point would come where I cared more about his health than he did. I never thought I would have to tell him I couldn't do it anymore if he didn't even try. And I never thought he would stop being my friend because I cared so much about him. We haven't spoken since last July, except 3 weeks ago when I found out it was near the end. I visited him to say goodbye, not because I was sorry about what happened; I don't regret my choices or anything that I said because it was all out of love and worry. Still, seeing a barely cogent, shaky, skeletal version of the friend I used to know was incredibly sad, and so was knowing that he was still angry with me.
I'm nervous about the funeral tonight. I don't want to see all of my old friends who dropped me because I was "judgmental" of the lifestyle that was turning them into shallow, anorexic, alcoholic, drug- and disease-laden idiots. I don't want to see the same people who abandoned Ron, and now think I abandoned him when I just couldn't let his bad choices ruin my life too. Most of the people who were at his bedside when he flat-lined were only there because they got credit for it, because they were excited by it, or because they got attention for it. 2 of the people never gave a flying fuck about him, and Ron absolutely hated one of the others. I'm glad he wasn't alone, but I'm angry that these are the people who were with him when he left us.
It makes me sad that he was still upset with me at the end. I never meant to hurt his feelings by telling him I couldn't be his friend in the same way if he continued down his self-destructive path. I don't think I was wrong to do it, and I do think he took it too personally instead of seeing it as me wanting him to be healthy and not die some horrible death. When it comes down to it, the whole thing is sad. I wish nobody had hurt anyone. I wish he didn't have to die like that. AIDS is such an ugly way to go, and I know that he wasn't ready to go. He wasn't even 40 yet.
Sigh. I'm so glad I have 4 good friends coming with me to the funeral tonight. They cared about Ron and they should be there, but it will also be nice to have a buffer, some shoulders to cry on.
I just want this to be over with.
Comments (11)
I wish you soooo much strength tonight! I can only hope that people know how to behave and are respectful at a funeral.. I also think that Ron must have known how much you loved him. Good luck sweetie. I'm glad you'll have some good friends there. <3
BSB2BH...sending good vibes.
I'm betting that deep down, he knew you did what you had to do, and that you loved him. So sorry for you loss.
I didn't know Ron very well. Here are my two memories: I remember hanging out at his apartment with you, Ryan, and Meagan when I was 19 or so. There was a wall of super hero action figures in the bedroom. I don't remember if it was Ron or Jerry who collected them.
I remember seeing a play at the Miner's Alley playhouse with you, Ron, Jerry, Erik, and Nick. At least, I think that's who was there. During a kissing scene between a man and a woman, either Ron or Jerry said, "Nasty!" pretty loud. It was funny because it was in response to some old grannies who let out an "Ew, gross!" during a gay kissing scene a little earlier in the play.
In my mind, neither Ron nor Jerry is distinguishable from the other.
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About being a friend who left Ron's side as a result of his self-destruction:
Alexi was good friends with this girl Molly for many years. (They lived together for a year while I was in college.) She eventually told him that she couldn't continue their friendship because he refused to take care of himself. Alexi's struggle with AIDS and drugs was too great a burden for her.
She still talks to me every once in a while. I know she cares about my brother, and I understand and respect her decision.
Alexi says he hates Molly. But at the same time, the happiest time of his life was when they were friends. How do I know? Because he told me so at Christmas.
How similar are my brother's struggles to Ron's situation? Was the happiest time of his life when you were friends? I don't know. But I do know two things: First, your decision was made out of love for him (and probably love for your own sanity). The same clouded judgement that prevented Ron from living a healthy lifestyle probably aslo prevented him from seeing the love in your actions.
Second, even though Ron was angry with you at the end, his life was much more than just the last panel of a comic strip. It was a whole damn graphic novel. I can't speak to the strength of your friendship, but it's hard for me to imagine that pages you filled in his life were anything less than magnificent works of art.
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Take care.
@jim_the_american - No fair making me cry like that without being here to give me a hug.
Thank you.
I had only met Ron a handful of times. I have that same memory that Dimitri does, with the action figures. I know everyone will say it, but Ron is in a better place. A place where there isn't any drama or bullshit, no more pain. And where he knows that you are a true friend.
I'm sorry that I don't have words of wisdom or some profound thing to say. I don't know how you are feeling right now. I have never had to say goodbye to a friend. Just know that I am here if you need me. I am sorry for your loss.
My weekend with you and Jerry and Ron was one of the most fun, obnoxious, hilarious weekends of my life. I have the BEST. PICTURES. EVER. capturing your little family in moments of joy. You. Jeff. Jerry. Ron....and I got to meet Nick, too, that weekend. AIDS *is* a hard way to watch a loved one go. I'm glad you have clarity of mind to know that you did things and said things to him (and others) that was for their own good as well as your sanity/mental health. You're soooooooo much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'm sure he had moments where he knew you were totally right, but probably just directed all his anger toward you. (hug)
*hugs* eh? Don't know what else to say, it sucks all over.
@EmpressTangent - Thanks Kim. I think fondly about that weekend all the time. Maybe I'll look through the photos and try to remember the good stuff.
Michelle, firstly let me apologize for not visiting your page for so long! Secondly I want to say how sorry I am to hear about Ron. I remember reading many of your blog entries that told of nights out with him and all the good times you had. It's important to remember these. I'm sure, deep down, he has forgiven you, it's just not always the easiest thing to show. You were friends for a long time and you happen to be a big part of each other's lives, nothing will ever change that. I hope the funeral goes ok for you (as well as these things can go i suppose) Ignore what everyone else thinks/ says, you are there to pay your respects and say goodbye to a friend. Sending you lots of hugs! Also, Rest in Peace, Ron. xXx
@DigitalSlashes - Vix, there's no need to apologize. I have been pretty absent on here too. Thanks for what you said. It means a lot to me.
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