I’ve gotten a couple of contacts from Xanga-land recently, so I thought I should post. This year I was hoping to get really involved with posting again, but life happened, and maybe I don’t need Xanga as much anymore. (Or maybe I have just filled my life with other things instead.)

Stuff about my life these days (aka, an excuse to make every bullet point start with the word “I”):

• I just hit my 40 pound weight loss mark.
• I’m graduating summa cum laude on December 16 with a BA in Women’s Studies (after 7 years of hard work!).
• I’m in 2 choirs: the Denver Women’s Chorus (been with them since spring of 2011) and the Decibelles, a brand-new, all-female a capella group that sings new music (been with them since August). I *may* have a solo – Adele’s Rolling in the Deep – at our next DWC concert (!!!) in January, and I do have a solo for our first Decibelles concert (Sara Bareilles’ Fairytale) in February.
• After 8 years with the State Library, I got a new job (still at the Dept. of Ed.) as a Web Support Consultant. My salary is 72% higher than it was before, and I’m even making more than my dad (although somehow, my paycheck is spent just as fast as ever). The job is grant-funded through the end of June with no promise that I will be kept on (although they’re trying to get funding for me), so I may need to job-search again in the summer.
• I bought a Jeep Grand Cherokee and I love it. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had a car payment, though. Kind of a bummer, yet satisfying that it is 100% mine with no help from anyone else.
• My Soldiers in Petticoats blog got hacked beyond belief (the entire database was taken and my web hosting people had no viable backups for me), and all posts were replaced with ads for Turkish penis pills. I was pissed, but I doubt I’ll take the time to rebuild it all again.
• I briefly dated a guy I met online. It went ok until we kissed, at which point I realized he was the worst kisser with the worst breath IN THE ENTIRE WORLD and I told him it wasn’t going to work.
• I can’t wait until Thanksgiving – 5 days off, yummy food, and family (with no obligation to give gifts, hooray!).
• My Great-Grandpa passed away in September, shortly before his 103rd birthday. The loss still hits me at random times, and I’ll always be missing him.
• I talk to my Grandma at least once every day, and she is – perhaps aside from my mom – the most important person in my life. I see her getting older and it terrifies me, because when she goes, it will be one of those deaths that you never really recover from. I need to focus on feeling incredibly grateful to have such an amazing woman in my life instead of feeling afraid for that random day I will lose her. I guess I’ve always done this – been unable to enjoy a good thing because of my fear of it being over someday.
• I feel lonely a lot, still.
• My new favorite game is Cards Against Humanity (which is basically Apples to Apples for terrible people). Check it out on Amazon.

I have been SO lonely lately. I feel like I don’t have any friends, and the ones I do rarely call me or want to get together. I’m not close with anyone anymore. I know it was a mess sometimes, but I really miss the Ron-Jerry-Jeff days. I had 3 BFFs and we hung out all the time and did fun things. I just feel so unloved, unappreciated, ignored, and like I don’t fit in anywhere. I so badly want a group of friends but I can’t seem to break through.

1. I’m veeeery cautiously checking out the internet dating scene. Part of me feels SO not ready, and the other part of me is lonely and wants a friend and eventually more. I keep going back and forth between searching for men and searching for women. Sometimes it’s hard to know what I’m looking for. Just…a person I like. Sex or gender doesn’t matter to me. So far the results have been laughable, and I’m sure I’ll post about it soon.
2. I get lots of compliments on my music tattoo, which I love. Even Jen really likes it, and she has TONS of tattoos that are really cool, so I feel all accepted and approved.
3. Money has been on my mind a lot. I barely make it each month, and I will need a new car in the future (we’re talking soon), plus I’m worried about paying off student loans when I graduate. I’m trying to make lifestyle changes that will cut down on my expenses, especially eating out.
4. One of my summer classes is done in a week. Unbelievable! It went by so fast. Then I can crack down on my other (feminist blogging) class and have a few weeks in the summer to just be.
5. I’m looking for a woman-centered, “feminist” way to start some weight loss. I would like to go somewhere where I can meet with other people struggling with weight issues (and the problems underlying that) and we get some sort of education and motivation together, maybe even with a section of the session reserved for exercising together. I’m not talking about Weight Watchers, meal replacements, number-on-the-scale-motivated bullshit. Any recommendations?
6. I’m doing job searches pretty frequently, just to see what’s out there. From what I can tell, I’m damn lucky to have a job that pays what it does (even though I’m underpaid and struggling). Everything advertised wants you to have advanced degrees and pay you $10-12/hr. No thanks. Unfortunately non-profits are even worse, and that’s the type of place I’d like to work, doing something to help women.
7. I’ve been doing apartment searches too, because of the money thing. My lease isn’t up until November anyway, and I *so* don’t want to move, but I’m leaving it open as a possibility. At the end of the year I graduate, and my lease is up, and soon after that I start paying loans (unless I can defer), so I have to leave room for the possibility of changing jobs or apartments or even cities.

Lots of big life-changing stuff, and it’s terrifying and stressful and yet oddly compelling. Deep breaths…

P.S. I keep looking into all these different things, and then I realize my self-confidence is the lowest it’s ever been, and I feel all hopeless. Then the cycle repeats.

Not sure how this happened but I ended up listening to a Nancy Wilson song and feeling all pensive/sad and simultaneously grateful. This feeling has a physical manifestation in my new tattoo – I’m glad because it’s original and it’s mine and it’s beautiful, but it also really hurts right now. 

I’m feeling really lonely now that Robert and Ashley are gone and Nick will only be in town again for 6 months or so before he leaves, and Jennifer is planning to leave after this year, and Greg and Paige are an hour away. I’m getting sad and desperate for company, and I feel like nobody wants to be actual friends with me. Acquaintances sure, but nothing else. With the zillions of people I know, Erik is the only one who offered his moral support to me last night while I was being tattooed (even though I begged on Facebook multiple times).

The women in the chorus are nice and I could really be friends with some of them…but they are always so busy, and I’m finding it hard to break in, even though I’m really fond of them and am definitely liked and accepted. It’s just…I’ve always had lots of friends and this feeling is really shitty. If I was comfortable enough with my body to have a more intimate relationship with someone, I would be dating right now, just in the hopes of finding someone to hang out with at night. This all sounds so pathetic.

At the same time, I’m glad I have my family – fucked up though they may be – to be there to talk to and support me. And though my job makes me crazy on a daily basis, I’m lucky to have it, for a lot of different reasons.

Money stuff has been bothering me. When I graduate in December, I’ll have a few courtesy months, and then I have to start paying on my student loans. I have probably $55,000 to pay off. And I need a car. And sometimes the toll of living alone and paying all the bills, doing all the cleaning and cooking, having 100% of the responsibility for everything in my life that can be controlled is just too much. 

My intent was to have this be an upbeat post, but it’s sort of stubbornly ended on a glass half empty note. Sigh.

I look forward to the day when I no longer have to divide my life into separate pieces. Or is it always like this?

• School
• I’m being inducted into Iota Iota Iota (aka Triota, the women’s studies honor society) next month. It will happen during the Outstanding Women Awards, which makes it feel super special to me.
• Almost done with my writing class; it ends Wednesday. I have to do a couple of edits on my final project and portfolio and then I’m done! I did my multigenre project on the war on women’s reproductive freedom. It’s pretty awesome so far, I have to admit.
• Only 2 weeks left of my prejudice/discrimination class, but lots left to do. I have 2 exams and a 4-5 page paper due before the 11th. So far I have higher than 100% in the class though, so I’m definitely not worried.
• In a couple weeks I’m meeting with my advisor to go over the independent study I’m doing with her in feminist blogging. I’m looking forward to planning out the details.
• Work
• I just got back from a yummy Mexican lunch with the other admins and most of my team in library development. They paid, which was a bonus.
• Aside from that, though, I feel really negative about work and am unhappy most of every day. I feel like even my job is bipolar. On one hand, the people are amazing, respectful, thoughtful, nice, and always complimentary towards me. They are the perfect coworkers. On the other hand, working within (and often against) the government bureaucracy system just to move libraries forward is incredibly frustrating, as is the fact that over the last 5 years my pay has gone down instead of me being rewarded for my consistently excellent work and loyalty. It’s like this everywhere, not just government, but I’m sick of employers taking advantage of the bad economy to treat people like shit.
• Family
• Ugh. My sister broke my mom’s house throwing a huge drunken (and I suspect meth-fueled and/or manic) fit. She broke doors and door frames. That’s plural. Her boyfriend, who had been living there, was literally driven out by her. He needed to go, but not by her smashing and breaking his computer, TV, and xBox, calling him a “nigger,” (he’s white, btw), hitting him repeatedly, and causing a huge scene in front of all the neighbors. She’s lucky she isn’t in jail for assault, because anyone could have called the cops. Part of me wishes they had. At this point it’s up to my mom to hold her to a standard of behavior or kick her out if she doesn’t meet that standard. That’s the only leverage anyone has against her, and until now my mom (despite good intentions) has been enabling and reinforcing all this crap. Things can’t change unless SHE changes them. I feel really doubtful that Megan will pull herself together though. She doesn’t even admit her drug use, much less express interest in stopping. She has no goals or aspirations, no dreams, no ability (it seems) to get her shit together and accomplish anything. She makes minimum wage at a Big Lots and if she’s lucky she gets maybe 20 hours a week. You can’t live on that. But she doesn’t try do do anything more, even though everyone has offered many times – training, schooling, therapy, drug counseling, fun activities, different jobs, etc. Right now I’m on a big kick to at least get her on government assistance. She qualifies for food stamps and possibly more. Maybe she could qualify for low-income housing, perhaps with a roommate? I do know that she has to change or she has to go. She is ruining everyone’s lives, draining their bank accounts, making us all miserable. We are all people who want to help and none of us knows how or if we even can. My mom has taken to wishing (and as a feminist this makes me so  sad) that she wishes some nice man would just come marry her and take care of her. Again, I say ugh.
• My dad is moving to the same town where he and my sister both work. I think it would be great if he would let her live with him and give my mom a break, but as usual he’s being passive, selfish, and surface-level. When he gets this way, I just feel so disappointed in him. He has never voluntarily lifted a finger to help, and even when he is asked outright, he half-asses it. He threw in a couple hundred dollars for Megan’s court fees (my mom got stuck with over a thousand). He said Megan might be able to live with him…but then he made it sound so unappealing and negative, it’s highly unlikely SHE would want to go. In the meantime, my mom is just incredibly miserable. She feels like she exists only to work to make money for other people who use her. This includes my sister, until recently her dumbass boyfriend and his son, and her own shithead boyfriend. She stubbornly resists change too, though, so I have to hear the same story over and over while nobody makes any changes. I swear, if someone would just let me be in charge for awhile, you would damn well see some changes.
• Me
• My health is crappy at the moment. I think it’s mainly allergies affecting everything. The allergies get bad, and the tube that should drain stuff out of my ears is at a 90 degree angle instead of straight, so stuff builds up and festers and my ear and neck and throat hurt. It affects my sinuses too; lately my face hurts to the touch over the areas where the sinus cavities are. Gross. Then of course my lymph nodes swell up because I’m constantly fighting things off which hurts my neck and hurts to talk and sing and swallow. I also twisted my neck in bed the other night and it hurts to turn it in most directions and is really stiff. My eyes run constantly like a dog’s, because of the allergies. I also got my first “sex headache” awhile back. Right at the good part, my head started hurting badly and it built up until I had to stop. Apparently it’s a thing people get sometimes. But now whenever I sing or sneeze or any blood rushes to my head for whatever reason, the headache comes back. It’s on the back right side and radiates down my neck and up my head and out to the sides. Also, I have to get some weight off because my feet and knees and legs always hurt. I probably need to change my diet quite a bit because my stomach seems upset when I eat certain things (I’m not sure what yet, although I know but red meat is one of the things). And I feel depressed because a lot of stuff in my life sucks right now, and between that and the not feeling good, I am constantly fatigued. Ridiculously so. This whole paragraph is ridiculous. I remember being young and feeling healthy all the time, except for the occasional cold. Now I rarely get a cold or the flu, but my life consists of aches and pains all day long.
• Singing in the chorus is a nice outlet for me (although I have to take Xanax before I go because it’s 80 people crammed into a small space and all talking loudly and it’s overwhelming), but lately it has hurt to sing. Still, I’m getting to the point where I know most of the music, which is nice. We are singing at a small show next month and then our real concert is in June. 
• Almost all I can think about is getting through school this year and finally being free of the work/school energy suck. But when I think about what comes next, it scares me, too.

This was basically all complaining. If you got through it, hooray for you! 

Tell me something good?

• My poem “Ritual” (the one about the tea) won the honorable mention at my college’s writing competition. Pretty cool, considering it was the first poem I wrote as an adult. I also used an old Xanga entry for much of the idea/text and adapted the prose to poetry format. I love that.
• Work is super slow at this exact moment, and yet it has felt really hectic lately. I have about 2 emails in my inbox (pretty much unprecedented) but I have all this residual stress from some major projects that are either ongoing or just wrapping up. The office is almost empty today, too, and the day is going by really slowly. I reeeeeallly want to take some vacation hours this afternoon.
• Especially since this weekend will be crazy. We have our choir “retreat” going on. We aren’t even going anywhere, so it’s not much of a retreat, but whatever. I have rehearsal 7-10pm tonight and 8-12 tomorrow. Everyone else has 1-5 rehearsal too, but I’m skipping that because…
• I have tickets to Wicked for Saturday night! I’ve had them since November and I’m really excited to finally see it.
• Despite my efforts to combat stress in my life and say no more and give myself breaks, my face still broke out last night. Ugh. I’m usually known for having nice skin, so to me it seems like the (admittedly tiny) zits stand out a lot more. Blech.
• I’m a little worried about all that rehearsing for choir since I’ve had swollen, painful lymph nodes in my neck right over my throat, and a sore ear, and it hurts to sing. I hope I can get through 7 hours of singing in the next 2 days.
• For school, I have all my paperwork turned in for my individualized degree. It’s all in the hands of others now, and that’s a relief, but I won’t be 100% free to breathe until everything is signed and approved. It seems ridiculous to do all this paperwork right before you graduate; what if they say no? It is good to be registered for all my classes through my last semester though. 
• This summer I’m taking feminist blogging (the results of which you can read at www.soldiersinpetticoats.com, and I’ll let you know when I start) and La Chicana (a Latina perspective on feminism). Fall is Money Issues for Women and Women’s Leadership (both take place on Saturdays; for 6 Saturdays that semester I’ll be in class 8-5, but that’s it, no other days and then I’m done). 
• In my Art & Craft of Writing class, I’m doing a multigenre final project. It can be writing plus other types of things, photos, music, video, quizzes, crosswords, maps, etc. I’m probably going to do something on women’s reproductive rights in the current political climate, since that topic is so rich right now. So excited about this one! I get to be really creative and different.

Aaaaand the pic o’ the day. Just ‘cuz.

Wow, Xanga. It’s been 11 years since I’ve had you in my life. On March 28, 2001, I was 19 years old, living at home with my mother and sister, and a total wreck of a human being. All of the bad bipolar stuff was just beginning, and I was either wired all night long and unable to sleep, or so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. I was cutting myself. I sabotaged relationships, jobs, everything. 9/11 hadn’t happened yet. Train, Lifehouse, and Dido were in the top 10 songs that year – *shudder*. I had a fist fight with my own sister over a boy. I hated my father. I made my grandmother cry. I tried to push my mother down the stairs. I thought my 2 best friends in the world were a gay couple who are now no longer a couple, don’t speak to each other, and whom I haven’t spoken to in years. It’s pretty amazing how things change.

11 years later, I’m about to graduate college, I live in my own, nice apartment, am self-sufficient, and have held down a good job for almost 8 years. My symptoms are under control and I never miss a dose of my meds. I talk to my grandmother almost every day, and my mother several times a week. I no longer resent my mother for the past. I have a good relationship with my dad. I am learning to accept that friends come and go, and I cling ever tighter to my family. That boy and I have been best friends for almost 15 years, even though we don’t get to talk or see each other much. I’m still bipolar, and still have some real problems that make me miserable a lot of the time, but I’ve been able to push through and carve out a stable life for myself despite all that. I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come.

Thank you for being with me all this way, Xanga and friends. I honestly don’t think I could have done it without you.

P.S. Xanga & Friends – sounds like a kids’ television show!

Oh, bulleted list, how I love you.

• In just over 4 hours, I’ll be seeing The Hunger Games with Jen and Melissa and I am so excited I could pee! But before we brave the opening-night madness, we’re going to get our strength by having pho. Yum.
• My stomach stuff is finally over. It went away and then came back, and finally I bought acidophilus pills, which worked like a charm.
• Ashley’s birthday was this week, so tomorrow we are going to the zoo and then out to lunch. I’m a little reluctant about the zoo thing, since seeing caged animals makes me sad. I’ve been informally boycotting for years.
• Sunday I have choir rehearsal (pretty much every Sunday night, actually). We’re doing a potluck for the new choir members, meaning I have to bring something. I hate potlucks.
• Spring break will be over starting Monday – boo. I have major spring fever and senioritis.
• Next weekend is super busy too. What is it about March, every single year? I’ll be celebrating Greg’s 30th birthday on Friday at this shmancy-looking fish restaurant, then all day next Saturday is the teen lit conference I’ve been planning since September (I have to wear a magenta t-shirt…groan), and then Sunday is choir again plus I have a paper due. Luckily I will have that following Monday off since Saturday will count as hours worked.
• On April 2 I get to register for my summer and fall classes, the last ones I will need to register for! I’m doing a feminist blogging independent study, plus La Chicana (a “chicana feminism” course) in the summer, and then a women’s finances course and a women’s leadership course in the fall (both sound great, but they are all-day Saturday classes – 6 Saturdays that semester, half my weekend is shot, but at least it’s over relatively fast).
• I’ve been more confident telling people no lately, and starting to treat myself better (relaxing more, going outside for sunshine, not piling on extra work when I’m already busy, etc.).
• Ok, now it’s exactly 4 hours until The Hunger Games. Go Team Katniss! And Team Peeta!

• I’ve been taking more Xanax lately to deal with my anxiety, which is good, since I’ve had a prescription forever but usually just take it at night before bed. It’s amazingly helpful before choir practice or other occasions where I have to be in a crowded room of people. I don’t know why I’ve been denying myself that small bit of relief/help when it was available to me all this time. I guess I just didn’t want to go through life in a drugged-up haze, but I do that every day because of the meds I’m on, and Xanax doesn’t really make me hazy,just much more calm.
• I’m also trying to put my feet up in my cubicle at lunch and close my eyes for at least 20 minutes. It’s amazing how much that can help. My next step is to try to get outside at least once during the work day. Sometimes it gets so busy I don’t get fresh air except for once in the morning and once in the evening (depressing). I even brought in a few things to make my work environment more comfortable: a pillow, ear plugs, kitcheny stuff like salt and pepper, napkins, utensils (seems like a no-brainer but who actually thinks about and follows through on this stuff?!), etc. Today I couldn’t enjoy putting my feet up though because I have some major tummy problems brewing. Sour burps and lots of gas and stomach rumbling – yuck. I keep running to the bathroom just to fart, which is totally embarrassing. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were socially acceptable to just let it out? I wonder if it was something I ate, or if there’s a bug going around.
• The writing class I’m taking can just be OVER now, please. I’m tired of being forced to write instead of just doing it when I feel like it. I need to write a 1-page flash fiction piece but am stuck. It has to be really succinct but also pack a big punch, and I’m just not up for it right now. I’m thinking of doing something silly, but we’ll see. Next is the drama unit, which is intimidating because we have to write a 10-page (10-minute) play and I’ve never written one before. That’s just a lot of content to crank out when it’s not a research paper, you know?
• This summer I’ll be taking feminist blogging and in the fall I’ll take women’s leadership on 4 consecutive Saturdays. I’ll work in one other class somewhere, and then I’m officially done with college at the end of December. I think about it every single day. How should I celebrate? My whole family lives 60 miles north of where I live and where the ceremony will be, but it still makes sense to have a party up there rather than in Denver, where the parking sucks and everything is expensive. 
• Friday I went to a silent auction put on by the cast of the Vagina Monologues (several of whom are in the choir with me). It benefited a few charities that work to end violence against women, so obviously it was a great cause. And you know what? I had a really nice time. I took 2 Xanax  because I knew it would be a crowded space, and I ended up feeling happy and slightly stoned all night. There was live music (by some of the chorus gals), free food and drinks, a raffle, etc. The cast got a bunch of plaster molds of vaginas and then decorated them. I bid on and won the prettiest one, with red feathers and gold glitter on the clitoris. So awesome! And I also won something in the raffle. Remember when I used to take pictures of “vagina trees”? The prize was vagina tree photos – all artfully done – pasted onto postcards, with matching envelopes. I can’t wait to send one! LOL.
• OMG, the Xanga dictionary doesn’t think “vaginas” is a word. Hahahaha.
• My sister is doing fine with her back, and it looks like she won’t be going to jail. What will happen is up to our lawyer. There is a lot of tension happening between my mom, dad, sister, and grandma, but that’s for them to work out. My mom is going to try to get my dad to take my sister in and live with him, because she is just so done with all of it. This will get Megan out, and also her loser boyfriend and his kid, which would solve a few problems.
• Oh! And the bitch who shares my cubicle (ugh…) is QUITTING! Good riddance! (It will suck if I get stuck with any of her duties while a replacement is found, but still, I will be glad glad glad to see her gone.) She is the type of person who won’t commit to doing anything, and instead just says things like, yeah, I’ll try to get that done, depending on…and then trails off. Totally weird, slow, ineffective, lied about her qualifications, and she just needs to get the hell out. Friday is her last day!
• That’s it for now. I seriously have to go to the bathroom yet again. It’s a good thing I live alone; roommates or partners would be so disgusted by me right now. LOL

This is a time in my life where I have become so stressed, it is popping out at me in all sorts of strange and unpleasant ways. In the past I would internalize it and suffer through it and be “fine” (not really). Lately, though, I find myself saying really negative things to everyone, complaining constantly, crying more, yelling at my cat, grumbling filthy swear words, needing to pop Xanax all the time (but not doing it), feeling hopeless more, exhausted all of the time (rather than just 80% of the time), etc. For the first time I feel like, hey, I literally cannot handle this situation. Hey, I really have to find ways to deal with my stress or I am going to have a nervous breakdown. Not in a funny-haha way, but in the way where everything you work for is going to go down the shitter unless you get it together, start treating yourself better, make changes, and find outlets for your feelings.

I don’t have it together, but I’m trying to make some changes. I am absolutely not volunteering to do any extra work on any project ever. I’ve been over maximum capacity for years, and it’s been even worse in recent months, so I’m done helping. Truthfully, I should just quit the chorus because being in a hot, overcrowded room trying to learn difficult music while fighting off an anxiety attack is doing nothing for my nerves. Somehow, though, I can’t make myself leave. Part of me panicked at all my friends telling me they were moving, so I instantly thought, ok, social outlet needed, join chorus, problem solved. And music and singing does make me happy. But really, I’m popping pills just to get through rehearsal, so how beneficial is it? People were really glad to have me back though, which is nice. Eh, I guess I’m kind of 60-40 on it right now. 

I’m also trying to give myself more quiet time with no TV or computer or cell phone. When I get home from work, I am forcing myself to sit quietly at home in some natural sunlight and read a book with my feet up. This may seem like a totally obviously thing to do, but normally I would just lay on the couch and watch TV, which oddly is not as relaxing as it seems. The reading thing is more peaceful, there’s no noise, and when I feel de-stressed, I can calmly fix something for dinner and not feel hateful and furious or groggy the whole time. I also got a pedicure last weekend, as well as a haircut/color. These are things that I can afford if I’m careful, and they make me feel good, so why shouldn’t I do them? It’s so rare that I do an indulgent “me” activity, and I finally feel like I’m taking my therapist’s advice. (I don’t currently have one; this is from way back.)

To be truthful, therapy would probably be an excellent thing for me right now. But with the cost of it, and the FMLA paperwork, and having to leave work early (stress, shame, resentment from coworkers), and finding someone I actually like and feel comfortable with and who knows what the hell they are doing…it’s all too much. If I could just work from home doing something flexible, I could take care of things like my mental health. As is, I can’t without more stress than it’s worth. I feel so trapped in my own life. It’s like…everything until December is planned out…and then it’s like this huge abyss. I’m graduating college in December, so for the next 9 months, school is a priority. (I’m worrying about what kind of graduation party to have, too, like it’s this thing I *have* to do…ridiculous.) I remember feeling this way before the end of high school too. Like, there’s this huge push to finish, and then there’s the rest of your life to worry about and plan and fill with things. It feels like something has to change once I graduate. In one sense, it will, since this enormous burden that has been on my shoulders for 7 years will finally be gone. What will everyday life be like without all that? It’s scary.

I am putting all this pressure on myself (a MAJOR character flaw of mine) to find a new/better/more inspiring/better paying job once I graduate. Part of it makes sense. There is no opportunity in this job for more money or advancement, despit the fact that I am killing myself doing an amazing job. I’m recognized for it, but it makes no difference where it counts (the wallet, the pride). I’ve been running on praise and respect from coworkers for almost 8 years, but that’s not enough anymore to stay here. But the economy, the idea that I could end up somewhere I hate with horrible people instead of the awesomeness I’m surrounded by now…ugh. It’s safe but uncomfortable here, which right now is better than the unknown. Something has to change though, it has to.

Sigh. That’s all I have in me right now. It was a total brain dump with no editing, so cheers if you got through it all.

Some random stuff before I go:

• The American Idiot musical was fantastic
• I’m going to a silent auction Friday to benefit a performance of The Vagina Monologues. So bummed I can’t go to the show this year, but I have way too much going on that weekend.
• My sister hurt her back (maybe a slipped disc) and has been in horrible pain, laid up in bed for days. I think she saw the doc last night so I need to call and find out what’s up.
• Also, my mom’s house caught on fire. It was a small one, mostly just outside smoke damage at the back door, no injuries (probably from a damn cigarette). But the weird thing is that I called it. I was worried about my sister’s helplessness while she was in pain, and I insisted someone be home with her at all times in case there was a fire.