September 13, 2010

• Brain Dump

  It's been forever since I've posted. Good luck getting through this whole thing.

  I called in sick to work today with stomach grossness, only to find out that the other 2 Admins called in sick with the same thing, too. I don't know why I felt so obligated, but I ended up coming in anyway. I'm feeling sad, negative, and tummysick, and I have an hour and a half still to go. Then I have homework to look forward to when I get home. School is going ok so far. No major panicking over assignments yet. I'm reading 13 books this semester though, plus additional reading and videos, discussions, 2 short papers per week, hefty midterm and final projects, etc. Liking the material though (Black Women Writers and American Indian Women).

  You know, I'm pretty sure Jennifer isn't even sick, she just hates her job. Which pisses me off, because I came in even when I was sick,and she's at home posting things on her Etsy store. Wtf.

  If you couldn't tell, I'm feeling all angry at her lately. She's getting on my nerves. She is even more negative than me, which I didn't think was possible, but I feel like Suzy Fucking Sunshine compared to her. I think she's going to be in a bad mood permanently for the rest of her life. She walks around every day with a scowl on her face. I know she has been through some shit. I get that. But so have I, and I'm not always the way she is. And the judgment! Ugh! I know she is a vegetarian with strong beliefs about that, and hates not having other veggie friends. But I'm sick of feeling like the bitchy comment about the meat I'm eating is just under the surface at all times. I'm sick of feeling like nothing is ever good, ever, because people suck and animals are the only ones who don't suck, blah blah blah. Despite our general liberalness, we disagree on some stuff that shouldn't matter, but is starting to get under my skin. She cares more about animals than people. Seriously. And she's rude, and I feel like she's being a total user lately. She's always broke, even though we have the same job, so I'm always paying for her shit. She pays me back when she can, but I'm so over it. I'm not doing it anymore. When I had her over for a family thing on Labor Day, she acted like a brat the whole time. Yes, it was a BBQ, and people were eating meat. She should have known that. My grandmother went out of her way to make sure there were plenty of veggie-friendly dishes available for her though, and I don't think she even thanked her for that. And she acted like my family abuses animals (there was this whole conversation about my cousin and her 4-H cows and her having to hitch them to a truck to get them to stand up and start walking because they refused to budge). If you haven't worked with large animals, you don't understand that sometimes you have to do things that look a little rough (even though they DON'T hurt the animals), because animals that size can be really dangerous if they are out of control. And she doesn't care about politics, which really bugs me. How can you not care at all?

  Also, and this is really shallow, the way she dresses is like a rebellious teenager who went on a Hot Topic spending spree. She's a few years older than me. She needs to grow up and start dressing like a 30-something professional. You can have a goth/rebel/sexy thing going on and not wear baby tees or skanky-short skirts or wear shoes with cherries or skulls on them. The tattoos everywhere can't be helped, but they shouldn't be displayed all over the office when it's not socially acceptable to do so. I feel like there is a level of sophistication missing, and while that shouldn't affect our friendship, it does bug me since I'm already annoyed with her.

  Lately I find myself starting to snap at almost everything she says, then I try to smooth it over by the tone of my voice. I wonder if she notices? I'm also feeling resentful because she's looking for a different job. I know she hates it here (although I think she could do more to make it better for her). Part of the resentment is that she is going to leave me here, and I'll have to SHARE a cubicle with someone I probably don't even know. Ugh. Part of it is that 40 hours a week with her plus hanging on the weekends is just way too fucking much for me. I don't know. There is other stuff bugging me but I don't want to get into it. I guess all friends go through phases like this, but I wish it would go the fuck away.

  What is really bothering me now is my sister. She finally admitted that she and her boyfriend have been daily meth users for the last 3 years. We had no idea it was going on. I knew it was a sometimes thing but thought it was better now. The magnitude of the situation scares me. She is trying to quit, but her main motivation for quitting was that her boyfriend wanted to. She straight up told me she didn't want to quit but would try for him. The scary part (other than her completely off-kilter motivation for quitting) is that her boyfriend just dumped her. He left her for another woman, who we found out is married (to a man who is in JAIL), plus she has 4 kids. He is already living with her, and my sister's heart is broken in that really horrible way. She has stopped using (except for a couple of hiccups) and is in a weekly group to help her with this, and she made a couple of friends from the group. My family is trying to occupy her every spare moment so she can't be home, alone, lonely and sad and tempted to use. It's working ok so far, but she really needs a full-time job too. Finding that has been really hard for her. She has a drug charge on her record, and not many skills, so she ends up working shitty, minimum-wage, part-time jobs. We're trying to find her something better, and for the first time, she has expressed a desire to DO something to make her future better. I know it's a hard, sometimes shitty (literally) job, but she is going to try to be a CNA. My mom and aunt are both nurses with connections, so maybe she can do it. Anything is better than stocking boxes half time at Big Lots for $7-8 an hour. I've been trying to call her every day to check in, but I'm just scared. Things look like they are better, but people don't just magically stop doing drugs once they are into them hardcore. Send our family your good thoughts.

  That's all I can manage for now. Oh, except some pop culture stuff, because it requires no thought:
  The new Eminem album is good. I have a strange weakness for him. And I'm going to watch the rest of the VMAs tonight. Let me guess? Gaga won every award, ever? Oh, and the season finale of True Blood was unsatisfying. Tomorrow I'm watching the last 2 weeks worth of Weeds and The Big C. I love both those shows, although Weeds is getting stranger and stranger, and I'm sure the show about cancer can only be funny for so long.

  P.S. To quote Daria, "I think I'm getting one of those really painful cold sores. So all in all, another great week." Except replace cold sores with really painful and HUGE under-the-skin pimple.

  • 6:02 pm
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