March 28, 2012

• I’ve come a long way, baby

  Wow, Xanga. It’s been 11 years since I’ve had you in my life. On March 28, 2001, I was 19 years old, living at home with my mother and sister, and a total wreck of a human being. All of the bad bipolar stuff was just beginning, and I was either wired all night long and unable to sleep, or so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. I was cutting myself. I sabotaged relationships, jobs, everything. 9/11 hadn’t happened yet. Train, Lifehouse, and Dido were in the top 10 songs that year – *shudder*. I had a fist fight with my own sister over a boy. I hated my father. I made my grandmother cry. I tried to push my mother down the stairs. I thought my 2 best friends in the world were a gay couple who are now no longer a couple, don’t speak to each other, and whom I haven’t spoken to in years. It’s pretty amazing how things change.

  11 years later, I’m about to graduate college, I live in my own, nice apartment, am self-sufficient, and have held down a good job for almost 8 years. My symptoms are under control and I never miss a dose of my meds. I talk to my grandmother almost every day, and my mother several times a week. I no longer resent my mother for the past. I have a good relationship with my dad. I am learning to accept that friends come and go, and I cling ever tighter to my family. That boy and I have been best friends for almost 15 years, even though we don’t get to talk or see each other much. I’m still bipolar, and still have some real problems that make me miserable a lot of the time, but I’ve been able to push through and carve out a stable life for myself despite all that. I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come.

  Thank you for being with me all this way, Xanga and friends. I honestly don’t think I could have done it without you.

  P.S. Xanga & Friends – sounds like a kids’ television show!

  • 10:47 am
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