I look forward to the day when I no longer have to divide my life into separate pieces. Or is it always like this?
- School
- I'm being inducted into Iota Iota Iota (aka Triota, the women's studies honor society) next month. It will happen during the Outstanding Women Awards, which makes it feel super special to me.
- Almost done with my writing class; it ends Wednesday. I have to do a couple of edits on my final project and portfolio and then I'm done! I did my multigenre project on the war on women's reproductive freedom. It's pretty awesome so far, I have to admit.
- Only 2 weeks left of my prejudice/discrimination class, but lots left to do. I have 2 exams and a 4-5 page paper due before the 11th. So far I have higher than 100% in the class though, so I'm definitely not worried.
- In a couple weeks I'm meeting with my advisor to go over the independent study I'm doing with her in feminist blogging. I'm looking forward to planning out the details.
- Work
- I just got back from a yummy Mexican lunch with the other admins and most of my team in library development. They paid, which was a bonus.
- Aside from that, though, I feel really negative about work and am unhappy most of every day. I feel like even my job is bipolar. On one hand, the people are amazing, respectful, thoughtful, nice, and always complimentary towards me. They are the perfect coworkers. On the other hand, working within (and often against) the government bureaucracy system just to move libraries forward is incredibly frustrating, as is the fact that over the last 5 years my pay has gone down instead of me being rewarded for my consistently excellent work and loyalty. It's like this everywhere, not just government, but I'm sick of employers taking advantage of the bad economy to treat people like shit.
- Family
- Ugh. My sister broke my mom's house throwing a huge drunken (and I suspect meth-fueled and/or manic) fit. She broke doors and door frames. That's plural. Her boyfriend, who had been living there, was literally driven out by her. He needed to go, but not by her smashing and breaking his computer, TV, and xBox, calling him a "nigger," (he's white, btw), hitting him repeatedly, and causing a huge scene in front of all the neighbors. She's lucky she isn't in jail for assault, because anyone could have called the cops. Part of me wishes they had. At this point it's up to my mom to hold her to a standard of behavior or kick her out if she doesn't meet that standard. That's the only leverage anyone has against her, and until now my mom (despite good intentions) has been enabling and reinforcing all this crap. Things can't change unless SHE changes them. I feel really doubtful that Megan will pull herself together though. She doesn't even admit her drug use, much less express interest in stopping. She has no goals or aspirations, no dreams, no ability (it seems) to get her shit together and accomplish anything. She makes minimum wage at a Big Lots and if she's lucky she gets maybe 20 hours a week. You can't live on that. But she doesn't try do do anything more, even though everyone has offered many times - training, schooling, therapy, drug counseling, fun activities, different jobs, etc. Right now I'm on a big kick to at least get her on government assistance. She qualifies for food stamps and possibly more. Maybe she could qualify for low-income housing, perhaps with a roommate? I do know that she has to change or she has to go. She is ruining everyone's lives, draining their bank accounts, making us all miserable. We are all people who want to help and none of us knows how or if we even can. My mom has taken to wishing (and as a feminist this makes me so sad) that she wishes some nice man would just come marry her and take care of her. Again, I say ugh.
- My dad is moving to the same town where he and my sister both work. I think it would be great if he would let her live with him and give my mom a break, but as usual he's being passive, selfish, and surface-level. When he gets this way, I just feel so disappointed in him. He has never voluntarily lifted a finger to help, and even when he is asked outright, he half-asses it. He threw in a couple hundred dollars for Megan's court fees (my mom got stuck with over a thousand). He said Megan might be able to live with him...but then he made it sound so unappealing and negative, it's highly unlikely SHE would want to go. In the meantime, my mom is just incredibly miserable. She feels like she exists only to work to make money for other people who use her. This includes my sister, until recently her dumbass boyfriend and his son, and her own shithead boyfriend. She stubbornly resists change too, though, so I have to hear the same story over and over while nobody makes any changes. I swear, if someone would just let me be in charge for awhile, you would damn well see some changes.
- Me
- My health is crappy at the moment. I think it's mainly allergies affecting everything. The allergies get bad, and the tube that should drain stuff out of my ears is at a 90 degree angle instead of straight, so stuff builds up and festers and my ear and neck and throat hurt. It affects my sinuses too; lately my face hurts to the touch over the areas where the sinus cavities are. Gross. Then of course my lymph nodes swell up because I'm constantly fighting things off which hurts my neck and hurts to talk and sing and swallow. I also twisted my neck in bed the other night and it hurts to turn it in most directions and is really stiff. My eyes run constantly like a dog's, because of the allergies. I also got my first "sex headache" awhile back. Right at the good part, my head started hurting badly and it built up until I had to stop. Apparently it's a thing people get sometimes. But now whenever I sing or sneeze or any blood rushes to my head for whatever reason, the headache comes back. It's on the back right side and radiates down my neck and up my head and out to the sides. Also, I have to get some weight off because my feet and knees and legs always hurt. I probably need to change my diet quite a bit because my stomach seems upset when I eat certain things (I'm not sure what yet, although I know but red meat is one of the things). And I feel depressed because a lot of stuff in my life sucks right now, and between that and the not feeling good, I am constantly fatigued. Ridiculously so. This whole paragraph is ridiculous. I remember being young and feeling healthy all the time, except for the occasional cold. Now I rarely get a cold or the flu, but my life consists of aches and pains all day long.
- Singing in the chorus is a nice outlet for me (although I have to take Xanax before I go because it's 80 people crammed into a small space and all talking loudly and it's overwhelming), but lately it has hurt to sing. Still, I'm getting to the point where I know most of the music, which is nice. We are singing at a small show next month and then our real concert is in June.
- Almost all I can think about is getting through school this year and finally being free of the work/school energy suck. But when I think about what comes next, it scares me, too.
This was basically all complaining. If you got through it, hooray for you!
Tell me something good?
Recent Comments