July 19, 2009

  • Not So Much

    My last entry was total bullshit. I was trying to convince myself to be upbeat and glass-is-half-full, when really I am completely depressed, my self-esteem is on the floor, and I feel unloved and unwanted. Most of this won't make sense to anyone because I haven't detailed what is going on.

    I shouldn't let this fight get to me; I said what I felt I needed to say, and I don't regret a single word. But the things that were said back made me wonder if my friends were ever my friends in the first place. Did they just put up with me for someone else's sake, or maybe because doing so was easier than confronting me? Am I so not worth  the time and effort to even try to work things out with that they preferred to just stop talking to me altogether? Am I a burden because I'm bipolar (despite my best efforts to keep everything in check with therapy, meds, better life choices, etc.)? Fuck.

    I feel so worthless right now. And I'm angry at myself for feeling that way. And annoyed with myself for feeling bad about feeling bad. It's always guilt and self-loathing, and I'm so sick of these feelings. Why are they always my first response?

    I'm done typing for now. It's hard to do through hot, angry tears anyway.

Comments (7)

  • <3 *hugs*

  • i love you, shelly. i wasn't going to tell you think, but now i will, cuz i think you need to hear it now, as opposed to whenever i decide to move my ass...

    also, it fits well with the amazing comment you left me the other day -

    i've been thinking about this for awhile, since i've been working a bit more at the "book" of sorts (poem collection? short stories? hard to say...) i plan on someday submitting to someone... it stuck me that everyone dedicates to someone or someones who've either paved the way or stuck by them or simply offered inspiration... i realised that whatever this autobiographical mess of words ends up being, i owe a lot of it to you. i had this little fantasy in my head of this book being published and on that first blank page, just "for: michelle." you probably don't realise it, but you've been a source of strength, of support and of just... light. for the past - what? like five years?

    you are not worthless. you're never worthless. i know how hard it is to break yourself out of these cycles, cuz i've been in one for about a year, but i want YOU to know, from ME, that you have been nothing short of a saviour. always.

    i love you. text me, call me, message me - whatever you need. <3

  • My two cents: Depending on others' feelings towards you to define the feelings you have toward yourself is always a dangerous road; people are naturally selfish and lazy, don't internalize their bad attributes as flaws in your own character.

  • Well, Canada loves you baby. I think you're GREAT! xoxox

  • @teefahknee - I always do, somehow. Thanks.
    @RememberTheRage - Messaging you privately right now...
    @BearVsUnicorn - You're right. It's a matter of figuring out *how* not to do that when it has been my immediate response all my life. That is why I am in therapy, among other reasons.
    @gwenstylez - I love me some Canada, too.

  • You. Are. Awesome. This is just a sucky "season" for you. It'll pass. And fuck it if people think an emotional disorder makes somebody unworthy. I don't think it's the case... but if it is... those are not people who are part of your *chosen* family. I love you and admire you.

  • @EmpressTangent - Thank you. Really. I'm surprised by how I still need to hear that so badly. It seems like grown ups should be over that, but we need it just as much as kids.

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