September 18, 2009
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Gross
Does anyone watch that show Hoarders? My apartment looks almost that bad, I swear. I watched 3 episodes in a row while I was sick (shitty cold/cough, missed 3 days of work), and I was terrified. Terrified because I see so much of myself in those people who hoard things and live in their own messes. It's awful. I don't actually hoard anything, but I go for a long time without cleaning when I get really depressed (which lately is all the time), and it looks like a dog got into the trash, spread it all over the floor, and left it.
When I get like this, I can't make myself clean. It becomes a psychological problem rather than a matter of being lazy or too busy. One of the guys on the show said he felt comforted that, if anyone ever tried to break into his apartment, he would hear them coming because of all the mess. I feel that way too. Except it doesn't make me less afraid at night. For some reason, my anxiety will get going really bad and I'll lay up at night listening to every sound this old building makes and thinking it's someone coming to get me. And I wonder what would be worse: them coming in and raping or beating me, or the humiliating feeling that someone will see how disgusting the way I live is.
So yeah. Welcome to my fucked up mind. Is it Friday yet?
Weekend plans: Dinner with Robert tomorrow night (fondue?), and mani/pedis with Jennifer on Saturday. I'll save Sunday for homework and cleaning, I really, really will.
P.S. It really isn't fair for someone to have both depression AND anxiety.
Comments (9)
Paxil was a ... miracle drug for my mom, who suffers both depression AND anxiety. It really has helped her. I don't know if your docs have made you try it, but the difference in my mom from a few years ago is amazing.
I get like that with the cleaning. I just don't care. And then....suddenly, I look around and it pisses me the hell off. And no one can talk to me for hours/days/however long it takes to throw shit out, fix things up, arrange things just so.
I don't know if that's considered a problem...I jsut figured...it's me. That's how I roll. LOL
<3 enjoy dinner and your mani/pedi!
Hope you are recovering from the cold. Enjoy your pampering this weekend! BSB2BH
Ummmm......will this mess be cleaned up by November 20th?! Or will I be sleeping in an old pizza box?
I have both anxiety and depression. Sucks. Ass.
And, yes, I watch Hoarders every week!! I'm addicted to that damn show. Did you see the lady that wouldn't throw anything out of her refrigerator unless it was "puffy"?!! Whoa.
@teefahknee - That is pretty much the only drug I haven't tried. Maybe I'll talk to my doc about it. Thank you.
@Mom_with_a_Chainsaw - I'll do my best.
@PretendPrincess - What? I thought you were sleeping RIGHT NEXT TO ME in MY BED!!! Haha. Of course things will be clean when you come visit. I would never allow another human being in my home if it were messy. Ask anyone; if my house is a mess, you can't come over. You *are* cool with crashing on the couch, right? I don't have a spare bedroom or anything. Also, do you know what days you are flying in and out, and what times? We should coordinate airport pickup/drop off and movie showtimes and whatever else you want to do that weekend. Oh and is there certain stuff you need/want in the fridge/pantry? I'm so bad about keeping food in the house, so I need to be sure to shop before you come.
@PretendPrincess - Omg. PUFFY?!?!?!?
@shelly100 - Do. It was teh first thing our doctor thought of when she described similar symptoms that you are talking about. *hugs* Hopefully they can find something to help you!
yeah i have seen an episode or two and some of it is just disgusting. throw some fucking trash out people! damn! clutter causes bugs. let's have a cleaning party.
@sheshe143 - A cleaning party would be awesome.
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