October 5, 2009
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Some Stuff
My great-grandfather is still alive, even though he doesn't really want to be. I haven't had the courage to go visit him. Even the thought of it gets me crying too hard to talk, and I don't want him to see me like that. I also don't want to put myself through that, and I don't want to remember him that way. When I found out he was getting a little better (he's still going to die, but it will be slower), I was almost angry. Like, fuck! I don't want to go through this pain yet AGAIN down the road. I don't want him to die, but I do want this to be over.
I'm seeing death and funerals and everything related to them everywhere I look these days. At first I thought that more of this stuff was going on, but now I think it's just on my mind more, so I notice it more. It's sad though...movies and TV, cemetaries and funeral homes, black for mourning, crying family members and lovers...ugh. I see it everywhere I look.
On top of the grieving process, I am extremely stressed out. Like at the end of my rope stressed. My great-grandfather is dying, and I pulled something in my back (while stretching in bed) that is making my back and neck painful all the time, work is insanely busy (I'm going to tell my boss I just can't work with this kind of load on me all the time, and that I need either more help or less work), and I'm behind in school (not to mention midterms are this week and omfg I can't deal). It's always everything all at once. Why is that?
P.S. My mom has H1N1, and I was in contact with her on Wednesday and Friday.
Comments (8)
Good God. When it rains it pours, huh? You can make it, though. You always do.
Damn...I ditto Emancip8 above...you'll get through this, you always do! Just one breath at a time and remember that this too shall pass. Hugs and love and good energy your way!
really sorry to hear about your great grandfather. hope he has the strength to make it another day, month, year, etc.
i never got the chance to meet mine. my father always tells me to go visit grandma and that grandparents aren't around long, etc. i neevr really thought about that til recently. wish we got to spend much more time with our grand parents.
a couple days ago was one year since my friend eric died. it's tragic and sad. even more painful that it is reality and there's nothing one can do about that.
1. I misread your last post and I'm way sorry about the "your loss" portion of my comment, but everything else still stands.
2. Death and dying and illness and injury... I suppose these are all natural parts of life, but wtf? I hope that you heal and your mom recovers soon!
3. Some sociologist should do a serious study of the correlation between workload, exams, and family drama. I swear these things come in (tidal) waves. In the meantime, don't stress too much about the midterms; you're a smart woman who studies hard and gets good grades. They won't come easily, but they'll come...
BIG HUG!
@Emancip8 - @teefahknee - @sheshe143 - @X_naomi_X - Thanks guys.
@jim_the_american - Thank you.
You know, for every fart joke and tongue-in-cheek remark you make about baby rape or bloody vaginas, there's a comment like this that really makes me feel better. So I guess I'm saying you are both hilarious (in that special, really gross, and inappropriate way I love so much) and kind when someone really needs it.
I know exactly how you feel about not having the courage to visit him. I felt exactly the same way about my great grandma (though she lived for a long, long time further than anyone had expected) and greatly regret that I never saw her. As much as I was relieved when she passed on (no more days full of crying about not having the strength to contact her and say sorry for not contacting her), the fact that I would never get the chance again hurt pretty bad.
On the flip side, though, my sister went and saw her some months before she passed on and said it was one of the most depressing episodes she's ever been through. Not only did she not remember who she was at first, but after recognizing she broken down into tears about how we never went to saw her. I could barely stand to hear the story.
Anyway, sympathetic ears over here. Stay strong lolita.
@BearVsUnicorn - That's exactly it. Thanks for getting it.
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