Wow, Xanga. It's been 11 years since I've had you in my life. On March 28, 2001, I was 19 years old, living at home with my mother and sister, and a total wreck of a human being. All of the bad bipolar stuff was just beginning, and I was either wired all night long and unable to sleep, or so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. I was cutting myself. I sabotaged relationships, jobs, everything. 9/11 hadn't happened yet. Train, Lifehouse, and Dido were in the top 10 songs that year - *shudder*. I had a fist fight with my own sister over a boy. I hated my father. I made my grandmother cry. I tried to push my mother down the stairs. I thought my 2 best friends in the world were a gay couple who are now no longer a couple, don't speak to each other, and whom I haven't spoken to in years. It's pretty amazing how things change.

11 years later, I'm about to graduate college, I live in my own, nice apartment, am self-sufficient, and have held down a good job for almost 8 years. My symptoms are under control and I never miss a dose of my meds. I talk to my grandmother almost every day, and my mother several times a week. I no longer resent my mother for the past. I have a good relationship with my dad. I am learning to accept that friends come and go, and I cling ever tighter to my family. That boy and I have been best friends for almost 15 years, even though we don't get to talk or see each other much. I'm still bipolar, and still have some real problems that make me miserable a lot of the time, but I've been able to push through and carve out a stable life for myself despite all that. I'm proud of myself and how far I've come.

Thank you for being with me all this way, Xanga and friends. I honestly don't think I could have done it without you.

P.S. Xanga & Friends - sounds like a kids' television show!

Oh, bulleted list, how I love you.

• In just over 4 hours, I'll be seeing The Hunger Games with Jen and Melissa and I am so excited I could pee! But before we brave the opening-night madness, we're going to get our strength by having pho. Yum.
• My stomach stuff is finally over. It went away and then came back, and finally I bought acidophilus pills, which worked like a charm.
• Ashley's birthday was this week, so tomorrow we are going to the zoo and then out to lunch. I'm a little reluctant about the zoo thing, since seeing caged animals makes me sad. I've been informally boycotting for years.
• Sunday I have choir rehearsal (pretty much every Sunday night, actually). We're doing a potluck for the new choir members, meaning I have to bring something. I hate potlucks.
• Spring break will be over starting Monday - boo. I have major spring fever and senioritis.
• Next weekend is super busy too. What is it about March, every single year? I'll be celebrating Greg's 30th birthday on Friday at this shmancy-looking fish restaurant, then all day next Saturday is the teen lit conference I've been planning since September (I have to wear a magenta t-shirt...groan), and then Sunday is choir again plus I have a paper due. Luckily I will have that following Monday off since Saturday will count as hours worked.
• On April 2 I get to register for my summer and fall classes, the last ones I will need to register for! I'm doing a feminist blogging independent study, plus La Chicana (a "chicana feminism" course) in the summer, and then a women's finances course and a women's leadership course in the fall (both sound great, but they are all-day Saturday classes - 6 Saturdays that semester, half my weekend is shot, but at least it's over relatively fast).
• I've been more confident telling people no lately, and starting to treat myself better (relaxing more, going outside for sunshine, not piling on extra work when I'm already busy, etc.).
• Ok, now it's exactly 4 hours until The Hunger Games. Go Team Katniss! And Team Peeta!

• I've been taking more Xanax lately to deal with my anxiety, which is good, since I've had a prescription forever but usually just take it at night before bed. It's amazingly helpful before choir practice or other occasions where I have to be in a crowded room of people. I don't know why I've been denying myself that small bit of relief/help when it was available to me all this time. I guess I just didn't want to go through life in a drugged-up haze, but I do that every day because of the meds I'm on, and Xanax doesn't really make me hazy,just much more calm.
• I'm also trying to put my feet up in my cubicle at lunch and close my eyes for at least 20 minutes. It's amazing how much that can help. My next step is to try to get outside at least once during the work day. Sometimes it gets so busy I don't get fresh air except for once in the morning and once in the evening (depressing). I even brought in a few things to make my work environment more comfortable: a pillow, ear plugs, kitcheny stuff like salt and pepper, napkins, utensils (seems like a no-brainer but who actually thinks about and follows through on this stuff?!), etc. Today I couldn't enjoy putting my feet up though because I have some major tummy problems brewing. Sour burps and lots of gas and stomach rumbling - yuck. I keep running to the bathroom just to fart, which is totally embarrassing. Wouldn't it be nice if it were socially acceptable to just let it out? I wonder if it was something I ate, or if there's a bug going around.
• The writing class I'm taking can just be OVER now, please. I'm tired of being forced to write instead of just doing it when I feel like it. I need to write a 1-page flash fiction piece but am stuck. It has to be really succinct but also pack a big punch, and I'm just not up for it right now. I'm thinking of doing something silly, but we'll see. Next is the drama unit, which is intimidating because we have to write a 10-page (10-minute) play and I've never written one before. That's just a lot of content to crank out when it's not a research paper, you know?
• This summer I'll be taking feminist blogging and in the fall I'll take women's leadership on 4 consecutive Saturdays. I'll work in one other class somewhere, and then I'm officially done with college at the end of December. I think about it every single day. How should I celebrate? My whole family lives 60 miles north of where I live and where the ceremony will be, but it still makes sense to have a party up there rather than in Denver, where the parking sucks and everything is expensive. 
• Friday I went to a silent auction put on by the cast of the Vagina Monologues (several of whom are in the choir with me). It benefited a few charities that work to end violence against women, so obviously it was a great cause. And you know what? I had a really nice time. I took 2 Xanax  because I knew it would be a crowded space, and I ended up feeling happy and slightly stoned all night. There was live music (by some of the chorus gals), free food and drinks, a raffle, etc. The cast got a bunch of plaster molds of vaginas and then decorated them. I bid on and won the prettiest one, with red feathers and gold glitter on the clitoris. So awesome! And I also won something in the raffle. Remember when I used to take pictures of "vagina trees"? The prize was vagina tree photos - all artfully done - pasted onto postcards, with matching envelopes. I can't wait to send one! LOL.
• OMG, the Xanga dictionary doesn't think "vaginas" is a word. Hahahaha.
• My sister is doing fine with her back, and it looks like she won't be going to jail. What will happen is up to our lawyer. There is a lot of tension happening between my mom, dad, sister, and grandma, but that's for them to work out. My mom is going to try to get my dad to take my sister in and live with him, because she is just so done with all of it. This will get Megan out, and also her loser boyfriend and his kid, which would solve a few problems.
• Oh! And the bitch who shares my cubicle (ugh...) is QUITTING! Good riddance! (It will suck if I get stuck with any of her duties while a replacement is found, but still, I will be glad glad glad to see her gone.) She is the type of person who won't commit to doing anything, and instead just says things like, yeah, I'll try to get that done, depending on...and then trails off. Totally weird, slow, ineffective, lied about her qualifications, and she just needs to get the hell out. Friday is her last day!
• That's it for now. I seriously have to go to the bathroom yet again. It's a good thing I live alone; roommates or partners would be so disgusted by me right now. LOL

This is a time in my life where I have become so stressed, it is popping out at me in all sorts of strange and unpleasant ways. In the past I would internalize it and suffer through it and be "fine" (not really). Lately, though, I find myself saying really negative things to everyone, complaining constantly, crying more, yelling at my cat, grumbling filthy swear words, needing to pop Xanax all the time (but not doing it), feeling hopeless more, exhausted all of the time (rather than just 80% of the time), etc. For the first time I feel like, hey, I literally cannot handle this situation. Hey, I really have to find ways to deal with my stress or I am going to have a nervous breakdown. Not in a funny-haha way, but in the way where everything you work for is going to go down the shitter unless you get it together, start treating yourself better, make changes, and find outlets for your feelings.

I don't have it together, but I'm trying to make some changes. I am absolutely not volunteering to do any extra work on any project ever. I've been over maximum capacity for years, and it's been even worse in recent months, so I'm done helping. Truthfully, I should just quit the chorus because being in a hot, overcrowded room trying to learn difficult music while fighting off an anxiety attack is doing nothing for my nerves. Somehow, though, I can't make myself leave. Part of me panicked at all my friends telling me they were moving, so I instantly thought, ok, social outlet needed, join chorus, problem solved. And music and singing does make me happy. But really, I'm popping pills just to get through rehearsal, so how beneficial is it? People were really glad to have me back though, which is nice. Eh, I guess I'm kind of 60-40 on it right now. 

I'm also trying to give myself more quiet time with no TV or computer or cell phone. When I get home from work, I am forcing myself to sit quietly at home in some natural sunlight and read a book with my feet up. This may seem like a totally obviously thing to do, but normally I would just lay on the couch and watch TV, which oddly is not as relaxing as it seems. The reading thing is more peaceful, there's no noise, and when I feel de-stressed, I can calmly fix something for dinner and not feel hateful and furious or groggy the whole time. I also got a pedicure last weekend, as well as a haircut/color. These are things that I can afford if I'm careful, and they make me feel good, so why shouldn't I do them? It's so rare that I do an indulgent "me" activity, and I finally feel like I'm taking my therapist's advice. (I don't currently have one; this is from way back.)

To be truthful, therapy would probably be an excellent thing for me right now. But with the cost of it, and the FMLA paperwork, and having to leave work early (stress, shame, resentment from coworkers), and finding someone I actually like and feel comfortable with and who knows what the hell they are doing...it's all too much. If I could just work from home doing something flexible, I could take care of things like my mental health. As is, I can't without more stress than it's worth. I feel so trapped in my own life. It's like...everything until December is planned out...and then it's like this huge abyss. I'm graduating college in December, so for the next 9 months, school is a priority. (I'm worrying about what kind of graduation party to have, too, like it's this thing I *have* to do...ridiculous.) I remember feeling this way before the end of high school too. Like, there's this huge push to finish, and then there's the rest of your life to worry about and plan and fill with things. It feels like something has to change once I graduate. In one sense, it will, since this enormous burden that has been on my shoulders for 7 years will finally be gone. What will everyday life be like without all that? It's scary.

I am putting all this pressure on myself (a MAJOR character flaw of mine) to find a new/better/more inspiring/better paying job once I graduate. Part of it makes sense. There is no opportunity in this job for more money or advancement, despit the fact that I am killing myself doing an amazing job. I'm recognized for it, but it makes no difference where it counts (the wallet, the pride). I've been running on praise and respect from coworkers for almost 8 years, but that's not enough anymore to stay here. But the economy, the idea that I could end up somewhere I hate with horrible people instead of the awesomeness I'm surrounded by now...ugh. It's safe but uncomfortable here, which right now is better than the unknown. Something has to change though, it has to.

Sigh. That's all I have in me right now. It was a total brain dump with no editing, so cheers if you got through it all.

Some random stuff before I go:

• The American Idiot musical was fantastic
• I'm going to a silent auction Friday to benefit a performance of The Vagina Monologues. So bummed I can't go to the show this year, but I have way too much going on that weekend.
• My sister hurt her back (maybe a slipped disc) and has been in horrible pain, laid up in bed for days. I think she saw the doc last night so I need to call and find out what's up.
• Also, my mom's house caught on fire. It was a small one, mostly just outside smoke damage at the back door, no injuries (probably from a damn cigarette). But the weird thing is that I called it. I was worried about my sister's helplessness while she was in pain, and I insisted someone be home with her at all times in case there was a fire.

I really want to post but I'm too busy to get out more than this. Soon, I hope.

Ugh, back to work.