March 14, 2012

• Stuff and Nonsense

  This is a time in my life where I have become so stressed, it is popping out at me in all sorts of strange and unpleasant ways. In the past I would internalize it and suffer through it and be “fine” (not really). Lately, though, I find myself saying really negative things to everyone, complaining constantly, crying more, yelling at my cat, grumbling filthy swear words, needing to pop Xanax all the time (but not doing it), feeling hopeless more, exhausted all of the time (rather than just 80% of the time), etc. For the first time I feel like, hey, I literally cannot handle this situation. Hey, I really have to find ways to deal with my stress or I am going to have a nervous breakdown. Not in a funny-haha way, but in the way where everything you work for is going to go down the shitter unless you get it together, start treating yourself better, make changes, and find outlets for your feelings.

  I don’t have it together, but I’m trying to make some changes. I am absolutely not volunteering to do any extra work on any project ever. I’ve been over maximum capacity for years, and it’s been even worse in recent months, so I’m done helping. Truthfully, I should just quit the chorus because being in a hot, overcrowded room trying to learn difficult music while fighting off an anxiety attack is doing nothing for my nerves. Somehow, though, I can’t make myself leave. Part of me panicked at all my friends telling me they were moving, so I instantly thought, ok, social outlet needed, join chorus, problem solved. And music and singing does make me happy. But really, I’m popping pills just to get through rehearsal, so how beneficial is it? People were really glad to have me back though, which is nice. Eh, I guess I’m kind of 60-40 on it right now. 

  I’m also trying to give myself more quiet time with no TV or computer or cell phone. When I get home from work, I am forcing myself to sit quietly at home in some natural sunlight and read a book with my feet up. This may seem like a totally obviously thing to do, but normally I would just lay on the couch and watch TV, which oddly is not as relaxing as it seems. The reading thing is more peaceful, there’s no noise, and when I feel de-stressed, I can calmly fix something for dinner and not feel hateful and furious or groggy the whole time. I also got a pedicure last weekend, as well as a haircut/color. These are things that I can afford if I’m careful, and they make me feel good, so why shouldn’t I do them? It’s so rare that I do an indulgent “me” activity, and I finally feel like I’m taking my therapist’s advice. (I don’t currently have one; this is from way back.)

  To be truthful, therapy would probably be an excellent thing for me right now. But with the cost of it, and the FMLA paperwork, and having to leave work early (stress, shame, resentment from coworkers), and finding someone I actually like and feel comfortable with and who knows what the hell they are doing…it’s all too much. If I could just work from home doing something flexible, I could take care of things like my mental health. As is, I can’t without more stress than it’s worth. I feel so trapped in my own life. It’s like…everything until December is planned out…and then it’s like this huge abyss. I’m graduating college in December, so for the next 9 months, school is a priority. (I’m worrying about what kind of graduation party to have, too, like it’s this thing I *have* to do…ridiculous.) I remember feeling this way before the end of high school too. Like, there’s this huge push to finish, and then there’s the rest of your life to worry about and plan and fill with things. It feels like something has to change once I graduate. In one sense, it will, since this enormous burden that has been on my shoulders for 7 years will finally be gone. What will everyday life be like without all that? It’s scary.

  I am putting all this pressure on myself (a MAJOR character flaw of mine) to find a new/better/more inspiring/better paying job once I graduate. Part of it makes sense. There is no opportunity in this job for more money or advancement, despit the fact that I am killing myself doing an amazing job. I’m recognized for it, but it makes no difference where it counts (the wallet, the pride). I’ve been running on praise and respect from coworkers for almost 8 years, but that’s not enough anymore to stay here. But the economy, the idea that I could end up somewhere I hate with horrible people instead of the awesomeness I’m surrounded by now…ugh. It’s safe but uncomfortable here, which right now is better than the unknown. Something has to change though, it has to.

  Sigh. That’s all I have in me right now. It was a total brain dump with no editing, so cheers if you got through it all.

  Some random stuff before I go:

  • The American Idiot musical was fantastic
  • I’m going to a silent auction Friday to benefit a performance of The Vagina Monologues. So bummed I can’t go to the show this year, but I have way too much going on that weekend.
  • My sister hurt her back (maybe a slipped disc) and has been in horrible pain, laid up in bed for days. I think she saw the doc last night so I need to call and find out what’s up.
  • Also, my mom’s house caught on fire. It was a small one, mostly just outside smoke damage at the back door, no injuries (probably from a damn cigarette). But the weird thing is that I called it. I was worried about my sister’s helplessness while she was in pain, and I insisted someone be home with her at all times in case there was a fire.

  • 2:15 pm
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