It's my golden birthday; I'm 28 on the 28th. It's a little surreal.

I am going to have to try very, very hard to have a good attitude today, because not only is it Monday, I also have a serious attitude problem. And because when I woke up I stumbled into my bed and stubbed my toe on the bed frame, screamed "Fuck!" so loud I scared the cat right out of the room, then looked in the mirror and decided I was too ugly to love. This may or may not be because, joy of joys!, I started my period yesterday and I have cramps, bloating, back pain, and - oh yeah - my vag is bleeding like crazy.

Also, my mom is taking a vacation through the Pacific Northwest, and I'm incredibly jealous. It has been 2 years since I've had a vacation, and I really need one. Not to mention that area of the country is absolutely gorgeous, and it's where I would have chosen to go during this time of the year. (This isn't to say that she doesn't deserve to go; she works her ass off 60-80 hours a week and I'm truly glad she gets to do this.) But I got this text from her yesterday, and the jealousy meter went up about 10 notches: "Going 2 Forks and La Push 2morrow. Wonder if I will c any vampires."

...

WTF? My mom is walking right into the setting of the Twilight series...without me! I'm positively pea-green with envy. She got to go to London and Paris a few years ago too, and I've ALWAYS wanted to go there. I took 6 years of French and have still never been to France, or anywhere in Europe, for that matter. *whinewhinewhinewhinewhine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

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In other news, I did have a nice birthday with my friends (my actual birthday is tomorrow), and am working on a post for that. But I need to get some of the photos from Greg that he took first. I leave you with one thought: my bowling name was Veronica Nipples.

I had to drop my Myth, Symbol and Allusion course for fall, and instead am taking my last science requirement. I found the least sciencey class ever and registered for the online one. New fall school schedule:

Health Education Services 2150: Complementary & Alternative Medical Therapies
Online
This course is designed to acquaint students with a variety of nontraditional health and healing modalities in use in the United States today. It provides the basis for understanding the mechanisms and principles by which therapeutic responses are produced. The student will be required to develop and present a report related to a specific therapeutic modality.

Women's Studies 3310: Women and the Law
Thurs, 5:30pm-8:15pm
Examination
of women's legal rights under the U.S. legal system and Colorado law.
Deals with family law, Equal Employment Opportunity Acts, housing,
credit and finance, welfare, social security, abortion, prostitution,
rape, and the ERA.

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There's other stuff going on too, but I can't really talk about it now. Sigh. I am going to be burning a thing or two in effigy, though, I can tell you that. Purely therapeutic, of course.

My last entry was total bullshit. I was trying to convince myself to be upbeat and glass-is-half-full, when really I am completely depressed, my self-esteem is on the floor, and I feel unloved and unwanted. Most of this won't make sense to anyone because I haven't detailed what is going on.

I shouldn't let this fight get to me; I said what I felt I needed to say, and I don't regret a single word. But the things that were said back made me wonder if my friends were ever my friends in the first place. Did they just put up with me for someone else's sake, or maybe because doing so was easier than confronting me? Am I so not worth  the time and effort to even try to work things out with that they preferred to just stop talking to me altogether? Am I a burden because I'm bipolar (despite my best efforts to keep everything in check with therapy, meds, better life choices, etc.)? Fuck.

I feel so worthless right now. And I'm angry at myself for feeling that way. And annoyed with myself for feeling bad about feeling bad. It's always guilt and self-loathing, and I'm so sick of these feelings. Why are they always my first response?

I'm done typing for now. It's hard to do through hot, angry tears anyway.

Drama with longtime friend. But also making new friends.
Having an ugly day. But finding a bunch of cute clothes on sale.
Feeling depressed. But getting invited out so I have something to take my mind off of it.
Thinking it's the end of the damn world. But talking to someone with perspective and realizing it will be fine, one way or the other.

I'm not high, and I'm not low, but I'm here, my heart is beating strong, and there are a lot of people who love me. How bad can that be?

I'm starting to worry a bit about having to be on campus 3 nights a week after being at work all day too. Can I handle it? Will it wear me out too much? Or will I maybe be energized by the classes because I'm excited to learn (which really does happen to me quite a bit)? I'm thinking about adding a 3rd, online class to my schedule as a just-in-case. I can drop it if the on-campus thing works, or drop an on-campus class if it gets to be too much. Hmm.

This weekend was good.

• Jennifer and I went over to my coworker's house (the one I like...) and hung out with him and his wife. It was fairly agonizing, but still fun because really, they are cool people. We had vegetarian nachos while the kids watched a movie (they left us alone all night, which was great). Then we drank beer and played Would You Rather, and grossed each other out with our answers.
• Saturday I literally did not leave the house even once. I read Harry Potter 6 and part of 7 all day, and napped, and watched TV. It was everything I thought it could be and more.
• Sunday Jennifer and I went to The Psychedelic Experience at the art museum, which was SO awesome. I wish I had brought my camera, but I guess they weren't allowed anyway. The exhibit itself had rock posters from the San Francisco bay area from 1965-1971, cool lights, music, and video, and information about the poster artists. Then next door was an awesome interactive area, just like walking into a real '60s-era, SF home. The console TVs, books/magazines, lamps, tables, music, everything was perfect. There was writing on the wall and peace signs and panels of fabrics, and it was all so awesome. At one point I was curled up on a comfy sofa, watching the visualizations on the wall, listening to Jimi Hendrix, and reading a worn copy of Black Pride. I got excited that someone else had really read the book because of all the underlines and exclamation points marked inside in red pen. Seriously, I just wanted everyone to get the hell out of that exhibit so I could move in immediately.
• Later we had some lunch, and then I went to go see Bruno with Markus. That movie was freaking disgusting and hilarious! I was laughing so hard for most of it, and watching other people be shocked into silence or laughing uncomfortably was an added bonus. The super-close-ups of male genitalia were probably the best part. And the weird Austrian sex toys. Hahaha. Awesome.

Now I'm answering the stupid phones for the department (a pleasure I get an hour a day for an entire month, every 3 months). The people who call are so fucking stupid. They don't press the right button on the phone menu because they are tired of being on hold. Then they get to me and want me to answer their question even though there is no way that I possibly could because I don't even work in that unit. So I send them right back to where they were before, only they are even farther back in the queue than they were the first time they called. IDIOTS.

I'm off to do some actual work now. Let's hope this week doesn't suck too much. Friday should be awesome because I will be at a retreat with the other Admins, and we'll get to have FUN, and then I'M GOING TO THE HARRY POTTER MOVIE OMFG!!!

My weekend was great!

I started it on Thursday, attending a company softball game in which our team won for the first time ever. The guy from work that I like was there, along with his wife, who is so cool I kind of have a crush on her too. This is getting ridiculous.

Friday I hung out with Jennifer, and she and I went to get pedicures at this place that serves cocktails. I sat there getting my toes done and my legs massaged while I drank a mimosa and read a trashy fashion magazine. Then I got my eyelashes tinted while getting a heavenly scalp massage. My god it was good. We went out for dinner afterward (and barely made it because of flash flooding, haha!), and then I went to bed early. I need to treat myself to that kind of thing more often; it's good for the soul.

Saturday I went with Jennifer to a party one of her old work friends was throwing for the 4th of July. It was a typical spread, with family and friends, and it was ok, but by the end, I was so ready to get out of there. I hung out the requisite 2-3 hours and then bailed. The kids started hanging out around me and I just was not in the mood for that at all.

I then headed over to Nick's house, and the rest of the night was solid gold. We watched Not Another Teen Movie while noticing every minute detail and peeing our pants at how awesome it was. Then we actually found a Qdoba that was open and proceeded to devour burritos. After that, a friend of his (Maren) came over with her 2 FREAKING ADORABLE dauchshunds, and we went to a park to watch fireworks. They only lasted 10 minutes or so, which was sad, but I'm glad I got to see them anyway. It must have taken us a good 30 minutes to get out of that packed parking lot, though. People "weren't respecting the zipper," as one of Nick's brothers said.

His brothers (and cousin?), btw, are awesome. We all hung out post-fireworks while drinking and playing Would You Rather. I think everyone threw up in their mouth a little at one point or another during that game. Oh, and one brother got wasted and stumbled around, which was funny for me but I think it pissed Nick off. I think I got home after 2am, and I slept like a baby.

Sunday I slept in and ambled around the house doing nothing. Robert and Ashley called me to come hang out, so I did. We got super high, and he made bruschetta, which we ate right before I napped (the weed was so good I fell asleep!). He then made some Italian dish with chicken, pasta, asparagus, mushrooms, and a cream sauce that was holyfuckingshit to die for. Then we played Mario Party 8 on Wii (I played *so* badly because the Wii controller and I do not get along) while Robert cooked AGAIN. He busted out some blueberry muffins, and those were delish too. I ate one with a peach and my coffee for breakfast this morning. I went home stoned, full, and happy, finished Harry Potter 5, and slept really well.

So that's pretty much it. Fabulous weekend.

And now I've realized that school is starting in a month and a week or so, which is crazy insane. Here is my school schedule for Fall 2009 (classes start August 17th  and both my classes are on-campus OMG):

English 3440: Myth, Symbol and Allusion
Mon/Wed, 5:30pm-6:45pm
This course is a critical study of themes and symbols that commonly appear in mythic texts of cultures worldwide, from ancient to modern, with consideration of relevant literary theory and criticism.

Women's Studies 3310: Women and the Law
Thurs, 5:30pm-8:15pm
Examination of women?s legal rights under the U.S. legal system and Colorado law. Deals with family law, Equal Employment Opportunity Acts, housing, credit and finance, welfare, social security, abortion, prostitution, rape, and the ERA.

I'll be on campus 3 nights a week. I hope this doesn't wear me out too much, but I've been trying to get these 2 classes for awhile now, so I figured I had better just take them. I'd be willing to make the same sacrifices for a few other classes, like Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton and The English Bible as Literature. We'll see what happens in the spring.

I had a wonderful 4th of July. Life is going really well, with a couple of exceptions that I can move beyond, I think. Someone hacked or phished my MySpace and Facebook accounts, apparently. Wtf? I've been meeting cool new people, and I'm glad about that. I've been more social in the last few weeks than I have been in a really long time, and I think it's good for me. Still, I'm looking forward to therapy on Thursday. It's cool enough to have my doors open all day rather than using the A/C, which is great. It's July and we've still been getting really good rain. This coming week it will be dry and hot though. Meh. My allergies are starting to kick in, even though I haven't touched my eyes after petting my cat or anything. Harry Potter is coming out the 15th, and I'm seeing it in IMAX on the 17th. I'm SO excited, but that also means I need to hurry up and re-read book 6. I'm toward the end of book 5 right now.  Also reading The Host by Stephenie Meyer, and I'm really liking it. It will be our first UBCNBC (Unstoppable Brain-Craving Ninja Book Club) book. Haha. I've been watching a lot of King of the Hill lately, and I don't know why. The pedicure I got on Friday looks awesome. I wonder if I can get prescription strength anti-perspirant, because I've been sweating so bad lately and it's gross. I feel all menopausal, with hot flashes and shit. Just realized I haven't looked at PostSecret yet, so I'm going to go do that. I think that's all for now.

Things are just weird right now. When I'm a little less dazed and confused, I'll blog about it. I'll never in all my life even come close to understanding human beings and their relationships with each other. *shakes head*

Today will be a short day, I think. I came in to work an hour late because I had a dentist appointment (just a routine cleaning, all's well), and I'll leave an hour early for a therapy appointment. I still have a lot on my plate at work, but I'm starting to get things done. The fact that my desk is cleaned off feels like a huge accomplishment alone. Now I can actually breathe.

I saw Little Ashes with my friend Jennifer last night. We were both totally psyched because 1) we caught the movie during its one week in Denver, and 2) it has the OMFG HOT Robert Pattinson. Naked. Kissing guys. Yep. He played Salvador Dali, and did a good job, but my god that movie was sad. It's also not the kind of movie I'd see twice, if you know what I mean. It was good, and I'm glad I saw it, but I don't want to relive the sadness and weirdness. I also grew to totally hate his character by the end of the movie, and I so don't want to go through the love/hate cycle again. I get so emotionally invested in movies...

This weekend is Gay Pride weekend. I'm not doing much of anything except going to the parade on Sunday, and maybe walking around the booths and stuff afterwards (maybe, depending on how hot it is and how willing I am to put up with the heat, and the protesters calling gays child molesters, and everyone getting sloppy and wasted before 10am). Ron was going to come from Texas to visit and enjoy Pride with everyone, but his plans fell through. I'm kind of relieved, because he was in the hospital last week, and I was worried about him being well enough to travel and, inevitably, party really hard.

Time to do some work. Have a good weekend, everyone.