We didn't get any snow after all, but it is definitely dark, cold, and wintery. And I have some bad news: my therapist told me last night that she will be retiring at the end of November. I'm pretty sad and disappointed about it, because after about 10 years (off and on) of trying to find a therapist and failing, she is the only person I've stuck with and been able to really talk to. I poured my heart out to this woman, and I like and respect her. I know she feels the same way about me. It's always so hard to start over with someone new, and it makes me feel like I have to take a step backwards on the road to recovery. Very frustrating, but there's nothing I can do. I'll be moved over to another doctor, whom my therapist recommends, and whom I will get to meet before I decide if I want to work with her. She apparently has a good sense of humor, has experience dealing with issues like mine, is an actual psych doctor, and has very big, red, curly afro-type hair (I love hair like that). That's all I know about her for now. I think I'll get maybe 3-4 more visits with my current therapists until I switch, and that should give me time to adjust mentally. Here's hoping the new woman works out.

I think this is going to become my mantra: "None of
that matters, though, because I LOOK SO CUTE TODAY."

I
have on a new shirt (navy with ruffles down the front) and necklace (gold talisman-type thing with multi-colored blue chains and blue detailing), gold stud earrings, grey slacks, and my black scrunchy ballet flats.

  
This is similar to the shirt I'm wearing, but not quite. Mine only has ruffles down the front, and they are bigger; it's also navy instead of that shade of blue, and the sleeves are half length. Plus the necklace. Ooh. Aah.

Hello, world.

Today for lunch I'm having Progresso's Garden Vegetable soup (180 calories for that entire huge can) and a slice of potato bread with an eensy bit of butter. It's good cold-weather food, for sure.

I  should have gone to lunch 30 minutes ago, so I'm off to chow down and study.

I can't believe we're going to get actual, accumulating SNOW in Denver tonight. We always have our first snow by Halloween, but in September? Crazy. I'm saying this again (for Emancip8): "None of
that matters, though, because I LOOK SO CUTE TODAY."

I have on another new sweater today: thistle colored, v-neck, with a long faux-pearl necklace (knotted), faux pearl dangly earrings, black slacks, and black patent leather mary jane-style ballet flats.

This is the shirt I'm wearing (without the green one underneath), plus similar earrings and necklace.

Me. Not the best quality since it's a cell phone pic, but you get the idea.

Yesterday I got a bunch of research done for my oral presentation for my Women & the Law class. I will either be presenting October 15 or 22, so I need to get my content pulled together ASAP. I want to do a PowerPoint, a one-page handout, and maybe some other visual things, and all that takes time to put together. Plus my draft paper on the same topic (10 pages, I think), is due by then too. Maybe it would be easier for me to write the paper and then base the presentation on that. I'm trying to fight back the terror that washes over me when I think of presenting for 10 minutes in front of a group of actual people.

Oh, man. I have another paper due Sunday for my Alternative Medicine class. It's 5-7 pages on homeopathy. My last one was on, of all things, ginkgo biloba. The third one will be on therapeutic touch. Plus I have a "field trip" to do where I experience some form of alternative medicine (at least 2 hours), then interview the practitioner for another hour, and then write a 5-7 page paper on my findings. This is not to mention midterms for both classes coming up. Eep!

Let's see... lunch today is a pepper-crusted turkey and provolone sandwich on the best bread EVER, plus some cucumber and carrot slices, and a serving of no-sugar-added applesauce for dessert if I'm still hungry. It sounds soooo good.

Time to get cracking on work stuff.

It's 25 degrees cooler today than it was yesterday, it's dark and cloudy, and I guess people aren't used to the new weather, because there are sirens going off every few minutes outside my office window. None of that matters, though, because I LOOK SO CUTE TODAY.

I have on a fruit punch-colored argyle shirt with orange, white and burgundy details, a loooong large-bead necklace with fall colors that matches really well without being matchy, round gold stud earrings, black slacks, and my black scrunchy ballet flats. My bra and underwear match each other and my outfit. I'm not having an awful hair day, my skin looks gorgeous, my makeup looks fabulous, my eyes are super-blue, and my fingers and toes feel happy after my mani/pedi (lavendar on my fingers, an almost blood red on my toes).

This is the shirt I'm wearing (without the white one underneath).

And me in it.

Other good things: I did stick to my weekend plans and didn't bail on anyone. Yay for not being antisocial. Plus I spent 6 hours on homework yesterday (just on one class - ask me anything about herbal medicine, aromatherapy, or the mind-body connection), and got some cleaning done. I didn't finish it, but at least my bathroom, vanity area, and bedroom are fairly decent again. I'll tackle the kitchen and living room later. Also, last night I set out my outfit and packed my breakfast and lunch for today, so I felt prepared this morning instead of stressed and behind.

Today I'm having a Lean Cuisine for lunch. Boring, I know, but this one comes with a warm applesauce-type dessert thing, and it is the PERFECT day for that, since it's cold, dark, and feels like fall/winter are coming.

I'm going to get lots of work done today, and maybe sneak in some school stuff if I have time. Monday, here I come.

After an extremely long week, it was nice to hang with Robert and Ashley last night. They are such genuine, casual, joyful people. They love food, getting high, and each other (in a gay man-straight woman capacity); they burp at the dinner table and laugh all the time. You can't help but be comfortable and almost blissfully happy around them.

And the food. My god, the food. Robert is an amazing cook, he makes everything himself from scratch, and he loves to make other people happy with his food. Last night we had the cheesiest fondue ever with big hunks of broccoli (just barely blanched) and asiago garlic bread. Then we had Greek marinade roast chicken (so moist and flavorful I can't even tell you) with homemade naan bread (warm, fragrant, full of love), creamy tzatziki sauce, and Greek pasta with tons of dill, delicious big chunks of feta and giant olives. Omg, my mouth is watering right now just thinking of it. I wish I had taken photos of it for all you foodies. Mmm.

Today I'm going to the grocery store. I had planned to sleep in, but my body was like, "Oh hell no, bitch!". I haven't been to the store in at least a month, and have been out of everything for a long time. My fridge looks very, very sad: nothing but condiments, water, a few glugs of milk that is probably bad, and a very old slice of leftover pizza.

Later I'm off to get a mani/pedi with Jennifer. She found a deal where we could get TWO mani/pedis for $50. So at $25 each for both a manicure and a pedicure, that is a hell of a deal. Plus we can drink mimosas while reading trashy fashion magazines and mentally erasing the shittyness of the past week(s).

Bon week-end.

Does anyone watch that show Hoarders? My apartment looks almost that bad, I swear. I watched 3 episodes in a row while I was sick (shitty cold/cough, missed 3 days of work), and I was terrified. Terrified because I see so much of myself in those people who hoard things and live in their own messes. It's awful. I don't actually hoard anything, but I go for a long time without cleaning when I get really depressed (which lately is all the time), and it looks like a dog got into the trash, spread it all over the floor, and left it.

When I get like this, I can't make myself clean. It becomes a psychological problem rather than a matter of being lazy or too busy. One of the guys on the show said he felt comforted that, if anyone ever tried to break into his apartment, he would hear them coming because of all the mess. I feel that way too. Except it doesn't make me less afraid at night. For some reason, my anxiety will get going really bad and I'll lay up at night listening to every sound this old building makes and thinking it's someone coming to get me. And I wonder what would be worse: them coming in and raping or beating me, or the humiliating feeling that someone will see how disgusting the way I live is.

So yeah. Welcome to my fucked up mind. Is it Friday yet?

Weekend plans: Dinner with Robert tomorrow night (fondue?), and mani/pedis with Jennifer on Saturday. I'll save Sunday for homework and cleaning, I really, really will.

P.S. It really isn't fair for someone to have both depression AND anxiety.

I haven't posted in almost a month. To me, with Xanga, that is FOREVER. I just haven't been willing or able to open up and write about my life. Even now, I am forcing myself, and it is hard.

Things are just so painful. I've gone through a lot of changes recently, and lost a lot of friends. Some of them have dropped me because we've either grown apart or they don't like me being "judgmental" about their lives. And none of them had the decency to say a thing to my face. They just stopped calling; They stopped being my friends, like it was as casual as quitting caffeine or dropping a class. Judgmental to them is caring to me. If I see something that is wrong and hurtful to someone I care about, I'm going to speak up, no matter what they think of that.

One of them couldn't take me being honest with him and decided that my honesty meant we couldn't be friends again because I hurt his feelings. But whatever. If that's how it is after years of friendship, loyalty, and great memories, fine. I can do without that stabbing in the back, thankyouverymuch.

Right now I will just concentrate on the things that really matter:

• school (Women & the Law, and Complementary & Alternative Medical Therapies)
• kicking ass at work
• my beautiful, flawed, crazy family
• moving forward in therapy to make myself the best person I can be
• the old and new friends that love me because of who I am, that have stuck by me through all of this

I think that's all I can open up about for today. But I do have a bunch of random cell phone pics, so, to fill up the space on this page, and to make myself feel a little better, I'm going to post them. Thanks to anyone who is still sticking with me and reading my increasingly-sporadic posts. I care about all of you, even though most of us have never met.

P.S. I have a 4-day weekend. I'll be off Monday for Labor Day, and Tuesday for a mandatory unpaid furlough day.
P.P.S. I'm seeing my guilty pleasure concert of the year on Sunday: Blink 182 with Weezer and Taking Back Sunday. If I didn't leave Blink and Weezer so much, I'd feel almost as guilty as if I were seeing the Backstreet Boys or something.

Random:

A guide that the Dept of Public Health & Environment felt the need to pay for, print, and distribute. (I felt the need to modify the title.) It's all about how to take care of yourself during a pandemic flu like H1N1. Why the fuck are people freaking out about it? It's JUST THE FLU. The regular flu kills more people yearly than H1N1 ever has. We just love a good emergency or tragedy or something to get excited about and overreact to in this country. Are we bored or something?

The most ridiculous vehicle I have ever seen on the road. Check out the pair of - I am not kidding - BLUE BALLS hanging from the back. This man must have the world's tiniest penis.

The management at my apartment invited us to a party on our own rooftop deck this 4th of July...meaning we couldn't have a party without THEM attending. And I love how we were made to RSVP and limit our guests to 2 or less. What nazi a-holes.

My dad and I at NewWestFest in FoCo. I got to see Tickle Me Pink and Melissa Etheridge for FREE. M.E. was amazing. (My dad always makes that squinty face haha.)

Spelling fail.

John Hughes rules! Michael Jackson sucks!

Free balls in a large bucket. Ohh yeah.

The painting above the bed in my grandma's guest room where I spend a lot of weekends. It seems kind of blah and nothing special but it's huge, and it makes me happy for some reason. It's one of those "if you die, I want this" kinds of things.

As if moist wasn't bad enough, now it's moist AND meaty. Ugh.

Nick, this is for you. The stupidest movie premise of all time.

My 6'4" dad's foot next to his bronzed baby shoe. Hahaha!

Animals:

Cows at my grandmother's house. They all turned to look at me at the same time when I took this. So creepy.

My dad's dog T-Bone, who almost licked my face during this photo. Ewww.

A better photo. Look how well-behaved he is! And cute!

Tilly!

Tilly again!

Tilly 3.0 - the creepy version.

Me (aka photo whore):

In the atrium at work.

A different angle.

Also at work. I get bored on breaks, I guess.
 

I like this one.

Fin

I am so incredibly heartbroken over the fact that John Hughes died last night. Practically every movie he has ever made is in my all-time favorites list. This is such a loss.

This entry is going to be full of run-on sentences, inappropriate punctuation, and rambling, and I don't care who knows it.

Man, I'm wiped out. I didn't get nearly enough sleep this weekend (what else is new?). It didn't help that I got to bed around 2am on Friday due to the white trash party (which was awesome, and worth it) and then was up again at 8:30am to pack and head out to visit my family. It was go-go-go all day Saturday (hangouts with my dad and sister for my birthday - I drove the 90 minutes to get there, then we small-talked with the grandparents, got coffee, saw Funny People (don't see it, especially not if you are sitting next to your father during the filthy jokes), had dinner, then watched some National Geo on TV before I drove another 30 minutes back to my other grandmother's house to small-talk with them and finally head to bed). Sunday I felt exhausted but still got up at a decent time, did 2 loads of laundry, helped my grandmother learn how to use picture messaging on her phone, went to lunch with both grandparents, went grocery shopping, came back to their place, packed, drove the 90 minutes back home, found a way inside my building because I didn't have my house keys, and dropped, exhausted from the lack of sleep and 95 degree heat, onto my couch. Nick did house-sit for me so when I got home there were post-it notes on the bathroom mirror with happy things on them, and some gorgeous flowers that make me smile whenever I look at them.

I guess I haven't really told you anything, though. There is so much going on that I haven't even mentioned except vaguely, and I feel almost guilty about that. Like I owe it to you guys and myself to really talk about it. I feel like I haven't taken the time to really sit down and do a decent, thoughtful entry on Xanga in...well, I don't know how long. A long time, I guess. I'd like to start doing that again, but things are easier at a surface level. Less painful, less emotional, less difficult to get by. We'll see how it goes.

I have therapy tomorrow, and I hate going in there and telling my doctor that I didn't accomplish much in the last 2 weeks. That I am still using food as a defense and coping mechanism. That I haven't found a new way to replace that feeling of calm emptiness I get when I binge and then purge. I was doing so well for awhile, and then things got bad and I went right back to it. I owe it to myself to get better, to find a way to deal with my pain, rage, frustration, anxiety, etc. in a health way rather than in a self-destructive way. I do want to be better. I do want be happy and healthy. I just need to find a way to deal with my emotions that I'm not ashamed of and that doesn't hurt me.

Btw, don't ever read the book Sybil before you go to bed. I got to the part about where she was horribly abused (which is the root problem of her developing 16 separate personalites), and then tried to sleep. Impossible.

As of tomorrow, I will have been at my job for 5 years. That's about 5 times as long as I've ever had any job. I'm proud of myself.

Jennifer is having a white trash party tonight, and I'm so excited. I bought my outfit at Goodwill: a worn t-shirt (it's like buttah!) that advertises Rumple Minze (100 proof peppermint schnapps hahaha), a worn flannel shirt, and a trucker hat (it says Salers Breeders of Arkansas, and it's for cow breeding). Wow, that sentence was overly parenthetical. Anyway, I'm also bringing tatot tots, with a little toothpick stuck into each one to make "fancy" hors d'oeuvres, plus grape kool-aid. Mmm hmm. I do it up right.

Oh! I was going to bring over the Jerry Springer movie (because yes, I actually OWN it), but Jennifer doesn't have a VHS player. Heavens to Betsy.

TGIF!!!