So I went to the Irish Rover pub with Jennifer and my coworker Melissa. Jen and I brought green food coloring to put in our Sprites since we weren't drinking, and Melissa and I had the world's worst fish and chips. Then we looked around in the huge crowd for hot guys, but unfortunately didn't see any. Last year I saw this 6'7", broad-shouldered, red-haired, beautiful Irish man (in a kilt, prompting many conversations about what might be under it...), but alas! he was not there. The bartender was really Irish though, with the accent and everything (so sexy!).

Today is going to be super long because there is almost nobody in the office and I don't have enough interesting things to do to keep me really involved in my work. I'm thinking it will be boring task, Facebook, boring task, bathroom break, boring task, lunch, boring task, bathroom break, boring task, boring conference call, the end. Normally my job isn't boring; Fridays just happen to be particularly bad around here. A big part of that is me just running out of give-a-shit by the end of the week, too.

I'm driving to Ft. Collins tonight and will stay over until noonish on Sunday. On the schedule: enjoying the kickoff to spring break, watching some True Blood with my mom tonight (she is finally into season 3, and I don't mind watching it over again), helping my grandmother set up her office so she can start scanning/digitizing her thousands (literally) of photographs, lunch at an Irish place with dad and sis, then hangouts with Greg and Paige after, laundry at some point, brunch on Sunday with whomever, then driving back home for a potluck and rehearsal with the Denver Women's Chorus (hereafter referred to as DWC).

Happy weekend, all.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! This is one of my favorite holidays. I'm going to brave a place called the Irish Rover tonight for some fish and chips and a green beverage. That's beverage, not beer. Jennifer isn't drinking, and I don't drink much, so I brought food coloring and we're totally going to spike our water or soda or whatever with it so we feel festive. I love that pub because the people are actually Irish (accents...so fucking sexy...omg), and they always have Irish dancing and music. Here's hoping we survive the crowds!

I've had this Mexican folk song that we're rehearsing for choir in my head for days now. The English translation makes no sense at all, and I've specifically been repeating these lines over and over: cuatro por cinco son veinte, tres por siete son veinte-uno (4 times 5 is 20, 3 times 7 is 21?). UGH. I like the song, but damn, I'm sick of those lines. Plus the song is really hard. It's difficult with the notes themselves, the rhythm, the speed, the language, AND there are snaps and claps throughout (and I have an issue with rhythm; I can sing it just fine, but getting my body to do anything rhythmically is hard).

Here's an example of another choir singing the song so you can get an idea:

Other than that, I had a terrible night's sleep, and the back of my thighs are killing me because I lifted 500+ pounds worth of boxes yesterday. Not all at once, but still...ow.

Please let it be Friday now.

I had one of those moments this morning at work where I was *this close* to screaming "fuck you!" to anyone who could hear it and storming out. Sometimes the bureaucratic, senseless, backwards, wasteful, and STUPID policies at work make me want to go postal. Working for state government can be a living nightmare. I'm the type of person who is organized, strategic, and endlessly finds ways to make things more efficient. State government is the opposite of that. It's always "we can't because...," "policy dictates that we...," "just do it  so you don't rock the boat or stir up office politics...," and "pick your battles; in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal...". The amount of wasted time, money, and resources that go into some of these asinine policies (or preferences on the part of people who won't change and use technology to make things better) makes me go from 0 to furious in about 2 seconds.

Counting to 20 and trying not to let my anger at something that is not going to change ruin a Friday and raise my blood pressure.

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!

I seriously cannot wait to be done with school and working at a job where this kind of fuckery is not constantly going on. Better yet? Being my own boss. One sweet, sweet day...

Listening to Brandi Carlile's cover of "Heaven," munching on the last of my asiago cheese bagel, and wondering if it is going to be one of those days that feels about 19 hours long when it is really only 9.

I finished my Psych of Sexuality class, and got an A. GO ME! (I'm trying to celebrate my accomplishments, even if, as many people have told me, they are not surprised about them or it was "expected".) I think people mean this as a compliment, like they had faith in my brains, but sometimes it's like the hard work that earned me that A is taken for granted, as though it just magically appeared because I'm smart. People mean well, though.

Now my Pandora station has surprised me with "The Winner Is" by Danna/Devotchka (from the Little Miss Sunshine soundtrack). It's both sad and happy, and both lovely and quirky. I frequently feel the same way about...life, everything.

The music has shifted to the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You." I'm trying really, really hard not to sing along at my desk. I love listening to music at work, but I also love singing, and I'm constantly having to restrain myself from bursting into song. This is yet another reason why working at home would be a million times better than working in a stuffy, tiny cubicle in an old government building where my window view is of an old folks' home and the noise coming from the alley below usually includes bum fights and drunk, crazy people hollering at the imaginary people in their heads.

Speaking of music, I'm adoring choir, and can't believe I let myself wait this long to get involved in music again. Maybe I didn't have the confidence to audition, or the self-awareness to know that music is a passion, an outlet, and something I not only want but need in my life. To get in good with the group, I joined the music advisory committee, which chooses the music that will be performed each season. It should be lots of fun, and I love having a voice in that type of thing.

Three Dog Night has taken over with "Mama Told Me (Not to Come)," and I'm head bobbing and foot tapping away as I type and try to figure out how to fill the rest of my day with actual work. I'm not the type to sit around and be on Facebook all day if there is real work to be done, and I'm killer at inventing projects for myself and going the extra mile, but at some point there really is nothing else to do for awhile.

Oh dear, now it's "I Love You a Bushel and a Peck" from Guys and Dolls. Must...sing...along. We sang this in my high school choir, and I loved it. I wonder if we'll do a musicals season with my choir? Since I'm on the music committee, now I can find out.

Now that's more like it. Billie Holiday is singing me home with "If the Moon Turns Green." I have a plan for the next 7 hours, I think. Wish me luck. Oh, and I'll need double luck, since I'm taking my cat to the vet tonight and she HATES her carrier, the car, and me when it's all over. Sigh.

Happy Thursday, friends.

After what seems like forever, I finally got in the mood to post here. So, in convenient bulleted list format, here is the last 3 months of my life (and what's coming up):

• January
• NYE party at my house. Fun, board games, yummy food, and, at the end of the night, a definite feeling of being all alone. This was mostly because I didn't have anyone to kiss at midnight (which I don't really care about, except that everyone else did and I felt awkward), but also because happy occasions never stay happy for long (at least not for me). They are usually twinged with wistfulness, sadness, whatever. I tell myself this makes me more interesting than someone who is happy and bubbly all the time, but it may just make me a sad sack.
• I took a full-length college course...in 2 weeks.The 2 weeks between New Year's and the start of the spring semester, to be exact. So winter break was pretty much nonexistent. The good news is that it was the best class I have ever taken in college - EVER - and I learned soooo much, and found out that I can survive the kind of grueling pace where 1 class day = 1.5 weeks of a normal class.
• I joined my first professional organization, the Colorado Association of Libraries, and started work with their Intellectual Freedom Committee too.
• I got my second tattoo! It's the feminist fist symbol, and I am really proud of it. I look at it and feel strong. I also think of Nick, who came with me for the momentous occasion.
• My sister and I went to our first Cirque du Soleil show (Alegria). The venue busted me taking a photo inside (before the show started, and just of the empty stage) and were total assholes who took my camera during the performance and made me almost cry. However, the show itself was amazing, and my sister loved it. I'm shocked, but she loved it to the point of crying afterward, and she is not the type of person who ever does that.
• February
• Took on a side project updating and adding content to a library organization's website. $20/hour a few hours a month. Not bad, and I'm brushing up on HTML and even some Javascript.
• Oh, bittersweetest of moments! Nick left for an ENTIRE YEAR to teach English in South Korea. There was an awesome 1920s-themed bon voyage party (the food! the clothes! the hipsters!), and now he is over there, oriented, and teaching. We're keeping in touch through email, Facebook, his blog, and weekly Skyping, so it's not the end of the world. Plus, what an amazing opportunity for him to live in another country where he does not even speak the language, and just dive right in.
• I went to a "Slumber Party" (aka sex toy party), since my cousin's wife occasionally hosts them and I try to be supportive. I got myself a brand spanking new toy (well, 2) with a lifetime warranty. Woohoo!
• Had my *lovely* biannual pap test. Apparently I'm very fertile with a health cervix. Oh goody.
• Auditioned for the Denver Women's Chorus - and got in! Had my first rehearsal a week ago Sunday, and my second one yesterday. We'll have rehearsals Sunday nights 6-9pm, and then we'll have a concert in May. It's so amazing to be singing again, and this group has its roots in the lesbian community (but is open to all women) so there is a strong feminist and activist presence there. It's perfect for me.
• March
• Visited the Molly Brown House Museum with my dad and his girlfriend. It is only a few blocks from my apartment and yet I have never been there even after living in Denver for 10 years. It was an amazing tour, and I have to say Molly Brown is now my new idol. She was an individual, an activist, a person of strong empathy and moral character, and had a larger than life personality. Best of all, she was 100% herself at a time when women were not supposed to peep out from behind their husbands' shadows. Amazing.
• The feminist blog Feministe is looking for a part-time (paid!) intern, so I applied. Who knows what my chances are for actually getting it, but it would be just incredible if I did. This is completely up my alley, and I have all the skills they need. Something like this could really help me move forward in doing what I want to do with my life (I'll admit the concept is amorphous right now, but I want it to involve feminism, writing, and social media).
• Today I'm going to get new glasses here. Today's Groupon was $50 for $200 toward eyeglasses, so I went for it. Their website alone won me over.
• One of my classes (the Psychology of Sexuality) ends on Friday. It was an 8-week semester instead of a 16-week one, which I've decided I like much better. A full semester feels too long after all these instantly gratifying shorter classes.
• 21st spring break

COMING UP

• April
• Retreat for the Denver Women's Chorus. A weekend in Estes Park full of singing, food, a talent show, and just getting to know everyone. There are about 80 women in the group, so I have a lot of people's names to learn. This is such good timing since I am just starting with the group. Definitely getting my own room though. Some people are getting cabins with 8-10 people in them. No thanks!!!
• May
• Finals for my other class (Gender & Communication)
• Billy Elliot at the Buell Theatre (I won these tickets from Colorado Public Radio during their membership drive!)
• 9 to 5 at the Buell Theatre for Mother's Day
• My first concert for Denver Women's Chorus! We are doing a 2pm and a 7:30pm show on the same day. The theme this season is multicultural music (stuff from Wales, Spain, Korea, Japan, India, America, South Africa, etc.). After the show, there will be a CD of the music available to purchase if anyone is interested. I'll probably send one to Nick since he won't be able to be there.

Photos

I'm thinking this will be short, since I barely blogged all year. Also, 2010 can kiss my fucking ass. It was a HORRIBLE year. I know I sound like Eeyore here, but seriously. I don't feel joyful or happy or even pleased with very damn much of anything in the past year.

JANUARY - FEBRUARY

• Was sick, all the time, for the first (almost) 3 months of the year. Chronic, constant sinus and ear infections, blah blah blah. I missed a zillion hours of work and felt miserable. The solution turned out to be simple-ish: Use one of those Neti pot-type things every day, plus allergy medicine, nasal spray and lubricant, allergy eye drops, a humidifier, etc. I basically have to do all this stuff so I *don't* get sick in the future. I seriously never want to go through shit like that again.

MARCH

• Had my 9-year Xangaversary
• Bought my Droid phone!
• Was still sick, and had to deal with midterms too. Joy.
• My car broke a bunch.
• Angst because the classes I needed for school were not offered online or after 5. Like...none of them.
• Broke because of all the missed work time and co-pays for doctor's visits and medication.

APRIL

• Depression, anger, exhaustion, blah
• Started The Douchionary

MAY

• Major depression
• Ron was dying in the hospital as of early in the month, and I visited him, which was heartbreaking on several levels
• Car broke again
• Finished spring semester, all As. Also read a bunch of challenging books, including James Joyce's Ulysses (I'm awesome).
• Ron died on May 25. His funeral was May 27, and it was a crock.

JUNE

• Finally got rid of all my old junkie stuff, like my crack pipe, which I haven't used in years but was still holding on to. (Thanks Nick)
• Started the process of changing my degree to an individualized one, since the English department sucks and would not accommodate a working student   
• Had a hard time grieving for Ron, especially since things between us were not good when he passed.
• Got the complete series of Daria on DVD!

JULY

• The 4th was a pretty awesome water fight/BBQ party at Nick's place
• I got my first tattoo
• I turned 29, and had a few get-togethers for that, which were pretty great

AUGUST

• I went blonde
• Major family drama after my sister revealed the extent of her meth use, from age 15-today. Bad, bad, bad things, stress, worry, helplessness.
• After a solid 1-2 years of being good friends with Jennifer, the constant togetherness and her personality started pissing me off, and so things started going downhill with that

SEPTEMBER

• Realized that my 2 fall classes were going to be complete bullshit because the professors were never available, never answered questions, and were just generally fuck-ups.
• Gearing up for election, and did a lot of anti- anti-tax campaigning.
• Finally, finally wrote about the night I was raped

OCTOBER

• It was insanely busy. Don't remember much else, and only posted once.

NOVEMBER

• Depression, Food Networking Thanksgiving specials, and craving snow. That's about it.

DECEMBER

• Holiday blues
• Finished fall semester, all As.
• Joined a professional organization and made plans for 2011 including an intellectual freedom committee and auditioning for a chorus
• Actually feel hopeful for the year to come (for once!)
• New Year's Eve board game party (if the weather holds)

Can it please be 2011 now?

I wanted to look back on last year's New Year resolutions and see where I've gotten.

1. Read the entire Bible
   STATUS: 75% complete
2. Let go of the past
   STATUS: I still have some feelings of anger and sadness about my past friendships, but for the most part, I'm over it. I have new friends (and plenty of "old" ones), I love them, and I don't need to hold on to any of that other crap anymore.
3. Prepare yourself for your future career
   STATUS: I'm kind of floundering on this, but mostly because I'm still in school and there is not much for me to do except chip away at that for now. I did join a professional organization and an intellectual freedom committee, which was a step in the right direction. Still, I'm at a place where "the future" still seems like this weird thing that will never happen.
4. Stay committed to therapy
   STATUS: I quit therapy in March, for a variety of reasons. The time and money was becoming a huge burden, I did not feel better when I did it (just worse), and my 3rd therapist in a row retired. I was fed up with starting all over again with a new person. Maybe later I will go back, but for now, it's not going to happen.
5. Spend money more wisely
   STATUS: This did not go very well. I still spend more than I should, and I know this will hurt later on. I did try a semester with taking only the bare minimum of student loan money for my classes and books, but I've come to rely on having that bit of extra because things are so bad with my salary at work (pay cuts, furlough days, no raises for 4 years, all while the cost of living goes way up).
6. Honor my body
   STATUS: I would have to say this was a general failure. I pretty much just got fatter this year and did not make any huge changes in thought or action. I'm disappointed in myself, to say the least.

2011 Resolutions:

BIG ONES

• Find things that make you happy, and do them
  
  • Audition for, join, and be active in the Denver Women's Chorus.
• Get involved in things you believe in
  
  • Be active in the CAL intellectual freedom committee.
• Get ready to graduate school in the fall of 2012
  • Take at least one summer class this year, or an extra class in the fall.
• Change exercise and eating habits
  
  • Start slowly and work in some form of exercise at least 3 times per week. Even if it's just a short walk, do it.
  • Work on changing your eating habits. Switch to 5-6 small meals throughout the day instead of 3 2-3 larger ones. Be mindful while you are eating. Use a plate so portion control is easier. To discourage binging and purging, don't get too hungry or too full.
• Cut spending and start saving
  
  • Be more organized when grocery shopping so food is not wasted.
  • Find areas to spend less on, like TV, entertainment, clothing, and dining out
  • Get into the habit of putting away some money every month, even if it's only a small amount.

LITTLE ONES

• Finish the damn Bible already
• Take more photos
• Use the pool
• Learn how to cook something amazing
• Write, write, write!

After a bazillion years, I'm back with some updates. It feels obligatory somehow that I write out what is going on in my life at least periodically, no matter how tough it is to actually log in and do this.

Here goes the trusty bulleted list method:

• School
  • Just finished fall semester (straight As, including a 100% in one class!), and I'm so glad it's over. Both professors were HORRIBLE in that they ignored the class the entire time. Neither was familiar with online teaching, neither met deadlines (sometimes they were weeks behind in getting assignments to us), and neither communicated with the class at all. In one class, I didn't even get a SINGLE GRADE until after the semester was already over. Can you believe that? The classes themselves were good (Black Women Writers and American Indian Women), but I never, ever want a class by one of those profs ever again. Ugh.
  • The first 2 weeks of January I'm taking a super-condensed class on campus (called a "Winterim" class). It's just like a regular, semester-long class (3 credits), but it is squished into 10 days (9am-1:15pm, M-F, for 2 weeks). Obviously I am taking time off work to do this, but it will be worth it to get those 3 credits out of the way in such a short time. I'll let everybody know if the class is kicking my ass or not (I suspect it will). The part I'm least looking forward to is spending 4+ hours a day in those incredibly uncomfortable chairs with the teeny desk attached to them. I hate those fucking things.
  • Immediately after my Winterim class I start spring semester, and both classes will be online. I'm taking Gender & Communication, and the Psychology of Sexuality. Both look like awesome classes, and they are only Sophomore-level, which will be a nice break from the Senior-level stuff I've been working on this past semester.
  • Now I'm trying to figure out when I will graduate, and if I push myself, I should be able to do it by fall of 2012. It would be great to finish in the spring of 2012, but I don't think I can swing that and keep my job and remain sane.
• Work
  • I joined my first professional organization last month, the Colorado Association of Libraries. I also plan on joining their subcommittee on Intellectual Freedom. This seems pretty much perfect for someone like me.
  • It gets harder all the time to deal with the bullshit bureaucracy and lack of funding, but I don't have anything better right now, so I'm keeping what I have. If it wasn't actually government work, it would be so much better, but we are technically part of state government, so I just have to deal with that. In the meantime, I keep my fingers crossed that libraries can remain relevant, and that someday I'll get a pay increase (although it has been 4 years since I've gotten one, and all they do is reduce our pay and furlough us). Sigh.
• Home/Family
  • I pretty much just want to stick around at home all the time and watch Heroes and go to bed early lately. Part of that is the economy, the cold and dark weather, etc., and part of that is me being depressed *and* anxious, which makes me want to avoid, avoid, avoid. I'm going to just let it ride for now.
  • My dad gave his dog to my sister (who lives with my mom), and the dog is peeing everywhere and is being super aggressive. My mom hates the damn dog for ruining her house and pretty much just wants to have him put down, especially since she is scared he will bite her. My sister would be devastated, but she doesn't do enough to take care of him. The real bullshit of this situation is the fact that my dad dumped the dog on my sister because he didn't want the dog to ruin HIS apartment.
  • Speaking of my dad, he has a new girlfriend named Anne Rice. Ha.
  • My mom and I have been closer lately, which is really good because for awhile I thought I would never stop being angry with her. Things are better now and it's great.
  • My sister is a fucking train wreck. She is aggressive, rude, avoidant, and negative. She goes out of the house at odd hours (like 2am, is constantly texting people saying she doesn't want to be around her family (I checked her phone at Thanksgiving), and is either fucked up on meth or completely stoned. Basically, I just don't know what to do anymore. If she doesn't want help, nobody in the world can help her. It's so completely obvious that she is back on the meth again. For awhile she was better; she was in a program and had stopped using, and was actually nice to us and participated in the things we did as a family. Now it's back to the way things were, and I just hate to even be around her. She is even worse during the holidays. I'm going to do my best just to avoid her, but not so much that she will become suspicious and get in my face about it (which will just piss me off/upset me even more). I'm walking on eggshells here.
• Me
  • I finally realized how happy singing makes me, and how much I miss being in a choir. I was in choir from 5th-12th grades, plus I even joined a church choir for a couple of years after high school because I was desperate. Unfortunately, they fired their music director for being gay, and I realized that I just can't be around people who would do something like that.
  • Soooooo I'm auditioning for the Denver Women's Chorus on February 20. I was at an event they were singing at and they invited me up to sign with them, plus I know somebody in the group, so I feel I have a good chance of getting in. (Plus I have a pretty decent voice. I think the audition is mostly to make sure I can match pitch and blend with other voices, and to place me into which group I will be singing with - probably alto 1).
  • For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to the new year instead of dreading it. 2010 sucked (I was sick for 3 months, and Ron died, etc. etc. etc.), but 2011 could be really good.

• porn
• Harry Potter
• Eclipse
• lazy weekends
• the freedom that comes from being single and living alone
• Thanksgiving specials on the Food network
• no homework
• cold weather
• sweatpants
• snuggly kitties
• grape juice
• 5-day weekends
• more porn