I'm feeling very fragile today. Bad dreams with emotions that carry over into the rest of my day, poor sleep, late to work, had to carry about 75 pounds of crap into the office (not much of an exaggeration I'm afraid), the stew I brought for lunch spilled all over everything, and I am nauseated to the point where I could be just fine, or I could spontaneously vomit on someone's shoes.

I want a hug. I want to hide from the world. I want to feel safe in the confines of my own home and not all exposed and vulnerable and raw here at work. It seems like things are getting to me like they haven't done for awhile. I saw a picture of Ron on my laptop screen saver, and it gave me a jolt of pain. Ashley told me something about Wal-Mart having the U.S. government's backup files in case of a terrorist attack or disaster (no idea if this is true), but it made me feel like nothing I do is worth anything if the bastards at Wal-Mart are basically our Plan B.  I kind of felt useless and impotent and completely unable to effect any kind of meaningful change. I also found a few hundred of my old CDs, and I'm loving the music, but it's actually bringing up a lot of old memories, some of which are really painful and hard to think about.

Sigh...I don't know. Can I just get a do-over for today?

Woah. When did October become so crazy busy? Just for my own peace of mind, I'm going to lay out my schedule for the month. Maybe in a logical order it will seem less overwhelming than the big clump of events that's swirling around in head right now.

• Friday 10/8
  • Lunch with Admins
  • Movies with Ashley
• Saturday 10/9
  • Midterm for Black Women Writers due - DELAYED
• Sunday 10/10
  • Breakfast and shopping with Jenny for Halloween costumes and decorations
• Monday 10/11
  
  • Yoga Nidra with Jennifer
• Tuesday 10/12
  • Minutes for the Friends group at Talking Book Library
• Wednesday 10/13
  • Market research survey
• Thursday-Saturday 10/14-16
  • ARSL conference
• Friday 10/15
  • Grease on stage with Ashley
• Saturday 10/16
  • Jackass 3D, etc. with Greg in FoCo
• Sunday 10/17
  • Broncos/Jets game with Dad
  • Jennifer's house to look at Halloween decorations for party
• Monday 10/18
  • LD Council meeting
  • American Indian Writers midterm exam due
• Thursday 10/21
  •  YS workshop in Parachute
• Friday 10/22
  •  YS workshop in Vail
  • Haunted houses with Jennifer
• Sunday 10/24
  •  Pumpkin carving party with Rob and Ash
• Tuesday 10/26
  • Presentation on Vampires, Witches & Zombies: The Science of Halloween
• Wednesday 10/27
  •  YS workshop in Pueblo
• Thursday 10/28
  •  YS workshop in Colorado Springs
• Friday 10/29
  •  YS workshop in FoCo, Paige's bday
• Saturday 10/30
  •  Halloween potluck party at my place
• Sunday 10/31
  •  Dracula on stage with Jennifer

In between all this other stuff, there are endless meetings, and hours of homework every night (including a weekly essay). Le sigh.

 

Nope, I don't feel any less overwhelmed. But I'm going to get it done, regardless. Because that's what I do.

Warning - This post could be triggering for people who have been victims of sexual violence.

---

My dreams lately have been filled with people who are disapproving of me...and of course they are the same people whose opinions I value. I wake up feeling lots of shame, dread, and deep sadness. Then this morning I woke at 5am with vivid recollections of when I was raped. When I was in therapy, my therapist encouraged me to blog about it, but I never could. I think it's time to do that.

It was Homecoming night my Junior year. I had just turned 16, and I was a virgin. Really, I had never done anything before; I was just beginning to round 2nd base. I went to the dance with the same guy (Joseph) with whom I later cheated on my first real boyfriend. (I dumped my boyfriend because of it, before he could dump me. I think I realized later that he would have stayed with me though. I guess even then I was throwing away love with both hands for people that could hurt and manipulate me.) There are pictures from that night, and I'm standing with a group of my friends, my date on one side, the ex on the other. I looked much better standing next to the ex.

Since there was a lot of sexual attraction between me and Joseph, I knew we would end up making out or something along those lines. We went to the dance, halfheartedly did the dance thing for about 45 minutes, and then decided to leave. His friend Justin came with us. We went back to my house. My mom was home; my dad was not. I think because my dad was cheating on my mom and she wanted to be loved, she tried to be the cool mom. She bought us liquor and let us have the run of the house, just me, Joseph, and Justin. My little sister was there too, who was 12. For awhile the guys wanted to play strip poker, but since I was wearing a dress there wasn't much to take off, and when it came time for me to strip, I balked at it. Justin tried to take the dress off anyway, and ended up tearing the strap (my mom made me that dress).

I talked them into just drinking or something instead, which I had never done before, but took advantage of because it was there, and oh my! There were TWO boys paying attention to me. I remember going into the garage with everyone, getting into my car, and hotboxing it with cigarettes. I didn't smoke, but the boys did. How disgusting that was, and it made my head spin. We all started guzzling down the liquor my mom bought me - mostly lame stuff like Sour Apple Pucker. Since I had never had alcohol, I got drunk pretty fast. Somehow my date Joseph ended up pairing off with my sister and going to her room with her. I think about that now, the fact that she was 12, and I feel sick. I never even bothered to ask her if anything happened. I don't think I ever told her what happened to me. And I hate this, but some part of me was jealous that my date liked her better, and I was left with Justin (who was nicknamed Trout because of his lips).

We started making out, because that's what drunk, horny teenagers do, although in the back of my mind I was devastated that I was given the consolation prize while the guy I liked went off with my younger, prettier, thinner sister. Justin and I headed down to the basement, almost falling down the stairs in our drunkenness. The making out got heavier, and pretty soon he said he wanted to have sex. I was on my period that night, and told him as much. He started begging me to "take it out" (meaning my tampon). I told him no several times, and eventually he lifted up my dress and started going down on me, then pulled the tampon out with his teeth. This pretty much shocked the hell out of me, but I was too drunk and freaked to end the situation right there. He got on top of me and started pushing himself into me. Again, being a virgin, it hurt, and I started pushing him off, yelling no, telling him please stop, it hurts, no. He kept pushing, and at that point I was screaming and hitting him.

After awhile, I just went limp and let him do it, and when he didn't stop, I started actually participating, I guess so I could pretend that this was my choice and not something that was being done to me. I was so afraid that if he didn't cum, the rape would continue forever. This is the part I'm ashamed of. He asked me to do this and I was too beaten down emotionally to refuse. After him raping me, I got down and started giving him head. He tasted oddly of peanut butter and blood. I will never forget it. Finally he was done, and I went to the bathroom to clean myself up, then moved to the other side of the basement to a couch by myself. I told myself it was my fault, because I gave him mixed signals. I told myself it was my fault because i got drunk and did sexual things with him, meaning I gave him permission. I told myself it was my fault because I gave in and let him do it, and then started participating in it again. Maybe he didn't understand that he did anything wrong, since I stopped screaming towards the end of the it all, and started helping him climax. I didn't yell at him, confront him, or say anything about it ever again. The next Monday at school, I acted like everything was fine and continued to be friends with him for awhile.

At some point during the rape, I cut myself off from reality. That disconnect, that refusal to admit what happened to me, lasted for 10 years before I finally started to comprehend. And here is where this is still affecting my life. Yes, I lost my virginity to a drunk horny loser who raped me. And that's shitty, but it's something I can move past. But what kills me is that at no point did my mother, whose bedroom was directly above the basement, come downstairs to check on the situation. She said she didn't hear anything. But she is the one who gave liquor to her daughter and 2 male friends, then allowed them free reign of the house to do whatever they wanted. She didn't protect me. I'm angry at her for this. She says I didn't tell her about what happened until 2 weeks after the fact. This may be true (some of the details are still blurry). But why didn't she tell my dad? Why didn't she go after Justin? Why didn't she report it to the police? Why didn't she insist on taking me to counseling? And did anyone even ask about my sister? I was horrified this morning to think that I never even questioned what could have happened to her until 13 years later.

One of my acquaintances started dating Justin a few months after this incident, and I couldn't even bring myself to warn her because I never fully admitted what happened, even to myself. I was afraid I would be called a liar if I ever said anything, and so I said nothing. My post-rape behavior seemed like a nail in the coffin too: I didn't report it, didn't stop being friends with him, etc. Who would believe me? There were many times when I looked at my friend and felt so sorry for her because she was dating a guy who didn't give a shit about women. I remember hoping he never did anything to hurt her, and then feeling like a piece of shit because I didn't even try to tell her to watch out. I remember feeling like I had raped her because I didn't try (although I don't know if anything like that ever happened between them).

This is my story. Sometimes I wish I had been raped by a stranger, a mugger or something instead. That way I wouldn't feel the guilt and personal responsibility that comes crushing down on me every time I think about what happened. Somehow when it's "date rape," it feels like the woman was at least partly responsible for what happened to her. But I was a virgin, on her period, who was out with someone I didn't love. I had no intention of having sex with anyone that night. But I still feel, even though I know I shouldn't, that it was my fault. And then I get angry at my mother. And now I'm wondering when I'm going to start being angry at HIM. And I think with horror that he might have done this to someone else. Maybe lots of someone elses. And I wish I could tell my father, but it seems like there is no reason to do it and upset him after such a long time. And then I feel lame for even writing about this, because it was over 10 years ago, and I should just get over it. Sigh. He lives in Denver now...

I'm mostly caught up with school, except a bunch of reading. I've already done the assignments based on the reading, though, so I'm not too worried. Btw, why is it that I can bullshit my way through just about any assignment with only very minimal reading? I don't want to cheat myself (so I will finish everything that was assigned), but shouldn't I NOT be able to get away with that at the college level?

On Thursday I'm going to see some weird movie called Catfish. People are talking about it because apparently the last 40 minutes are a big secret and it's all mysterious. It also looks like a really different kind of movie than what I've seen before, and I've seen a LOT of movies. Yay for free movie passes.

I can't tell if my sister is doing meth again, or just smoking a lot of pot. You would think the signs of those kinds of drug usage would be really different, but I just don't even know what's normal for her anymore. You can be quiet and spun, and you can be loud and high. I just don't know.

The big boss at work gave out little "awards" at a staff meeting yesterday (which I didn't attend because I was on an interview team for one of our open positions). Remember in elementary school when your teacher would give out little certificates about each person, like most artistic, or most enthusiastic reader, or stuff like that? Well that's what the boss did. I missed it, but apparently I was the Logistics Queen. He also said that no matter how much gets thrown at me, I always find a way to get it done. He has never once complimented me like that to my face. Ever. I'm sad I missed it, but I'm glad I was publicly acknowledged for my work anyway.

I've been fighting off some of the same crap I had earlier this year. Painful neck, inner ear, and it hurts when I swallow. Remember when I was sick for like 3 months from right after Christmas through March? Yeah, that crap again. It's all connected to my sinuses, so I've been using a sinus rinse (similar to the Neti pot (I hate that word!) but less disgusting looking), nasal spray, allergy meds, drinking lots of water, etc. This is the kind of thing I have to get rid of NOW because if it gets worse, I will be sick for a long time. I literally can't afford that.

Election stuff is really gearing up, and I can't wait to vote. If you are in Colorado, vote NO on Amendments 60 and 61, and on Proposition 101. Unless you want to boot us all back on the path to being a fucking 3rd world country with no services and really, really dumb people (well, dumber). Libraries and schools would be crippled by the so-called evil three (60-61-101). This is brought to us by the same dumbass who got TABOR passed, Doug Bruce. I want to stomp on his balls. Yeah, let's cut taxes and put a few extra dollars (and I do mean only a few) in our pocket, and get rid of libraries, education, budget for building roads, etc. Great idea!

God, I really need friends who are interested in politics. Ron, Jerry, and Jeff, messed up friends though they turned out to be, were all interested or involved in politics, and we used to have rousing debates and discussion. I really miss that. I wish Ron was here to talk to, sometimes. I guess I could talk to him anyway, but since he's dead, he wouldn't exactly talk back. Meh.

How 'bout them Broncos?

Because "it's Friday, I ain't got no job, and I ain't got shit to do!" Well actually only one of those things is true, but I'm still going to do this survey, dammit.

 

1. Favorite childhood book? The Little House on the Prairie series, the Dealing With Dragons series, plus My Side of the Mountain and Peppermints in the Parlor. And ok, I'll admit it: The Babysitter's Club series too.

2. What are you reading right now? BITCHfest: 10 Years of Cultural Criticism from the Pages of Bitch Magazine, East of Eden, and the Holy Bible (New International Version). I'm also reading 13 (count 'em...13) books for my 2 classes this semester. 

 3. What books do you have on request at the library? The first Sookie Stackhouse book.

4. Bad book habit? Cracking the spine so the pages lay flat.

5. What do you currently have checked out at the library? Nothing.

6. Do you have an e-reader? No, and I don't intend to get one any time soon. I like books just the way they are.

7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time or several at once? Several at a time. I have one for bedtime (plus the Bible which I read every night, which is only for academic purposes), one for the bathroom (we all need to read while we poop!), and one for lunchtime at work.

8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog? No.

9. Least favorite book you read this year (so far?) Giambattista Vico's New Science.

10. Favorite book you’ve read this year? Push by Sapphire and A Wolf at the Table: A Memoir of My Father by Augusten Burroughs

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone? Every semester, and every once in awhile when someone really recommends something to me.

12. What is your reading comfort zone? Mostly fiction, especially the classics, plus fantasy/vampire/magic stuff, etc. Also memoirs, diaries, letters.

13. Can you read on the bus? My bus ride is too short to get into anything, plus I usually feel sick trying to read while in motion.

14. Favorite place to read? In bed.

15. What is your policy on book lending? I lend one out at a time per person, and don't lend anything else until I've gotten the other stuff back. Also, I don't lend anything that is old and/or valuable, because the books are too fragile and I would be devastated if they were damaged.

16. Do you ever dog-ear books? Most of the time no, but sometimes with books for school.

17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books? Most of the time no, but sometimes with books for school.

18.  Not even with text books? Uh YES. This question totally implies that I said no to questions 16-17. How annoying.

19. What is your favorite language to read in? English, because it's the only language I'm fluent in. I can read some things in French though, like Le Pétit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.  

20. What makes you love a book? I have to want to keep reading it, either because I'm interested, horrified, excited about the characters, or because I'm swept up in the story and can't stop myself from reading. Basically I have to connect with it on an emotional level, or at least be learning something that I can apply to my life.

21. What will inspire you to recommend a book? It totally depends on the person. But if there is a book I just can't get out of my mind, even long after reading it, I will recommend it to just about anyone.

22. Favorite genre? Fantasy

23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?) I read what I want. I rarely read non-fiction, political books, biographies, self-help, etc., but there's a reason for that. I'm just not interested. My personal reading I do for pleasure only.

24. Favorite biography? It's an auto-biography/memoir, but I love Marilyn Manson's Long Hard Road Out of Hell. He's fascinating, and his writing is intelligent.

25. Have you ever read a self-help book? I read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality and Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

26. Favorite cookbook? The one I compiled for our family about 15 years ago. I still use it all the time.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)? The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay and the BITCHfest book I'm currently reading.

 28. Favorite reading snack? I prefer not to eat while reading.

29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience. The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K.Rowling.

30. How often do you agree with critics about a book? Usually I only read what the critics wrote on the back of the book, which is always praise. And usually I like what I read. So I guess it's a pretty biased sample. Generally, I'd have to say fuck the critics; I'll read what I want.

31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews? Not bad at all.

32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose? French. Voltaire, Victor Hugo, Dumas, Camus, Proust, Colette, Gaston Leroux, Sartre, Beauvoir, Flaubert, and hey, the Marquis de Sade.

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read? Ulysses by James Joyce, Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell, and the Bible

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin? Anything by Ayn Rand. I can't even get past the first few pages usually.

35. Favorite Poet? Favorites:
"Mid-Term Break" - Seamus Heaney
"Barbie Doll" - Margie Piercy
"Leaving the Motel" - W.D. Snodgrass
"In Time of Plague" - Thom Gunn
"Death of a Young Son by Drowning" - Margaret Atwood
"The Night Wind" - Emily Brontë
"My Papa's Waltz" - Theodore Roethke
"[in Just-]" - E.E. Cummings
"Marks" - Linda Pastan
"Leningrad Cemetery, Winter of 1941" - Sharon Olds
"Fireflies in the Garden" - Robert Frost
"The Word Plum" - Helen Chasin
"Sonrisas" - Pat Mora
"The Victims" - Sharon Olds
"In an Artist's Studio" - Christina Rossetti
"In the Park" - Gwen Harwood
"Digging" - Seamus Heaney
"The Harlem Dancer" - Claude McKay

36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time? I usually don't check books out at all.

37. How often have you returned book to the library unread? Maybe a couple of times.

38. Favorite fictional character? Enid from Ghost World, Princess Cimorene from Dealing With Dragons, Larry Daryl from The Razor's Edge, Scarlett from Gone With the Wind, Moll Flanders from Moll Flanders, and Jo March from Little Women.

39. Favorite fictional villain? Miss Havisham from Great Expectations, Uncle Andrew from The Magician's Nephew (The Chronicles of Narnia), Mrs. Meeching from Peppermints in the Parlor, Miss Minchin from A Little Princess.

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation? I would say something trashy and easy to read, but on my last trip I brought Romeo & Juliet. I guess it just depends on my mood.

41. The longest I’ve gone without reading. Maybe 1 day. MAYBE.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.  Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading? Anyone being near me. The slightest noise just annoys the hell out of me, and people are ALWAYS loud.

44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel? They did a great job with Push/Precious. Also, I've enjoyed all the Harry Potter and Twilight films, and love Vanity Fair and pretty much any version of Pride and Prejudice, Moll Flanders, or The Secret Garden, plus Little Women and A Little Princess. I am rarely disappointed by a movie adaptation because I understand they are going to be different things, and just try to enjoy each thing for what it is. 

45. Most disappointing film adaptation? Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (the one with Johnny Depp). It was HORRENDOUS.

 46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time? $200-ish?

47. How often do you skim a book before reading it? I don't skim.

48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through? I don't do this unless I have zero interest in the book, zero motivation to read it, and I know I will be getting nothing out of it. Why read something you hate when you could be reading something you love?

49. Do you like to keep your books organized? I would like to, but I have more books than my bookshelves will hold. I've been meaning to get new shelves but haven't gotten around to it yet. Meanwhile, the books keep piling up 2 deep on the shelves.

50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them? Keep unless I didn't like it.

51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding? No. Just a ton that I want to read, and some I will probably never get to before I die.

52. Name a book that made you angry.  Privilege, Power and Difference by Allan G. Johnson. It was required reading for a class, and I was filled with indignation just thinking about classism, racism, sexism, heterosexism, and ableism.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did? Both the Harry Potter and Twilight series. Plus A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving,The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay, and Jane Fonda's autobiography, My Life So Far.

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t? The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K.Rowling. It was just so blah. Oh and The First Wives Club by Olivia Goldsmith. It was incredibly shallow and obnoxious, and the male perspectives in the book made me want to hate all men for the rest of my life, OMFG.

55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading? Stuff from my childhood that I've read dozens of times (especially Little House on the Prairie), and the Potter and Twilight series. Somehow repetitive reading is really comforting, and I don't feel guilty about any of it.

I feel so antisocial lately. I kind of wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone. That sounds awful, and I know socializing is good for me, but ugh. I just want to be in my nice quiet home (or at my grandmother's home where it's really quiet), just thinking and not talking or making any noise at all. It would be so great if the whole world could just shut.the.fuck.up for a couple of days.

Still no period. Maybe I won't even get one this month. Weird.

Still kinda annoyed by Jennifer.

Still worried about my sister.

I'm going to my grandmother's house this weekend and staying there alone (she is out of town). A whole house in the country to myself, no people, no house pets, nothing. I plan on going nowhere, doing nothing except homework, and enjoying solitude. And hey, if my sister needs company, I'll be close by.

Can it just be tomorrow afternoon now?

P.S. This afternoon I'm going to a place called Denver Indian Health & Family Services to interview the director for a school project. My questions to her will be:

1. What are some goals/ issues that are important to DIHFS, and how does DIHFS address these issues?
2. How does DIHFS or one of its smaller programs serve American Indian women specifically (as opposed to the larger American Indian population in general)?
3. Who is allowed to use DIHFS's services, and how is eligibility determined?
4. What are some of DIHFS's key successes/ accomplishments?
5. What are some of DIHFS's challenges/ barriers/ hurdles?
6. What sources of funding does DIHFS use to keep itself operating (e.g.,grants, donations, charging for services, etc.)?
7. Are there any resources for how students or other interested parties can get involved with DIHFS (websites, volunteer coordinator contact information, etc.)?

It should be an interesting experience, and getting to see the place and talk to the director will be valuable when writing my paper and preparing my PowerPoint presentation.

P.P.S. I have to write a comparative analysis on the book and movie for either The Color Purple or Push/Precious. I can't decide which one I will do.

I am going to write about my period. You have been warned.

So for the last however many months (6? 8? more?), I've been getting my period every 3 weeks (approx. 21-23 days) instead of every 4 weeks. Meaning I'm on the rag way more than I should be. But at least it was regular, even it was happening too often. This month I haven't even gotten my period. Even if my body had moved back to a 4-week schedule, it would STILL be almost a week late. WTF is going on with me? I keep expecting it to come, and then it doesn't. I guess 2 weeks ago when I was feeling like a total bitch, it wasn't PMS. It was just me. Damn.

My period makes me feel...oddly comforted. Like I'm being reassured that I'm a woman, and that my body works, and that everything is ok. Not having it feels weird and wrong. I know these things can fluctuate depending on stress and health and all kinds of things, but this is really bugging me.

And no, I'm not pregnant. Ew.

 

 

It's been forever since I've posted. Good luck getting through this whole thing.

I called in sick to work today with stomach grossness, only to find out that the other 2 Admins called in sick with the same thing, too. I don't know why I felt so obligated, but I ended up coming in anyway. I'm feeling sad, negative, and tummysick, and I have an hour and a half still to go. Then I have homework to look forward to when I get home. School is going ok so far. No major panicking over assignments yet. I'm reading 13 books this semester though, plus additional reading and videos, discussions, 2 short papers per week, hefty midterm and final projects, etc. Liking the material though (Black Women Writers and American Indian Women).

You know, I'm pretty sure Jennifer isn't even sick, she just hates her job. Which pisses me off, because I came in even when I was sick,and she's at home posting things on her Etsy store. Wtf.

If you couldn't tell, I'm feeling all angry at her lately. She's getting on my nerves. She is even more negative than me, which I didn't think was possible, but I feel like Suzy Fucking Sunshine compared to her. I think she's going to be in a bad mood permanently for the rest of her life. She walks around every day with a scowl on her face. I know she has been through some shit. I get that. But so have I, and I'm not always the way she is. And the judgment! Ugh! I know she is a vegetarian with strong beliefs about that, and hates not having other veggie friends. But I'm sick of feeling like the bitchy comment about the meat I'm eating is just under the surface at all times. I'm sick of feeling like nothing is ever good, ever, because people suck and animals are the only ones who don't suck, blah blah blah. Despite our general liberalness, we disagree on some stuff that shouldn't matter, but is starting to get under my skin. She cares more about animals than people. Seriously. And she's rude, and I feel like she's being a total user lately. She's always broke, even though we have the same job, so I'm always paying for her shit. She pays me back when she can, but I'm so over it. I'm not doing it anymore. When I had her over for a family thing on Labor Day, she acted like a brat the whole time. Yes, it was a BBQ, and people were eating meat. She should have known that. My grandmother went out of her way to make sure there were plenty of veggie-friendly dishes available for her though, and I don't think she even thanked her for that. And she acted like my family abuses animals (there was this whole conversation about my cousin and her 4-H cows and her having to hitch them to a truck to get them to stand up and start walking because they refused to budge). If you haven't worked with large animals, you don't understand that sometimes you have to do things that look a little rough (even though they DON'T hurt the animals), because animals that size can be really dangerous if they are out of control. And she doesn't care about politics, which really bugs me. How can you not care at all?

Also, and this is really shallow, the way she dresses is like a rebellious teenager who went on a Hot Topic spending spree. She's a few years older than me. She needs to grow up and start dressing like a 30-something professional. You can have a goth/rebel/sexy thing going on and not wear baby tees or skanky-short skirts or wear shoes with cherries or skulls on them. The tattoos everywhere can't be helped, but they shouldn't be displayed all over the office when it's not socially acceptable to do so. I feel like there is a level of sophistication missing, and while that shouldn't affect our friendship, it does bug me since I'm already annoyed with her.

Lately I find myself starting to snap at almost everything she says, then I try to smooth it over by the tone of my voice. I wonder if she notices? I'm also feeling resentful because she's looking for a different job. I know she hates it here (although I think she could do more to make it better for her). Part of the resentment is that she is going to leave me here, and I'll have to SHARE a cubicle with someone I probably don't even know. Ugh. Part of it is that 40 hours a week with her plus hanging on the weekends is just way too fucking much for me. I don't know. There is other stuff bugging me but I don't want to get into it. I guess all friends go through phases like this, but I wish it would go the fuck away.

What is really bothering me now is my sister. She finally admitted that she and her boyfriend have been daily meth users for the last 3 years. We had no idea it was going on. I knew it was a sometimes thing but thought it was better now. The magnitude of the situation scares me. She is trying to quit, but her main motivation for quitting was that her boyfriend wanted to. She straight up told me she didn't want to quit but would try for him. The scary part (other than her completely off-kilter motivation for quitting) is that her boyfriend just dumped her. He left her for another woman, who we found out is married (to a man who is in JAIL), plus she has 4 kids. He is already living with her, and my sister's heart is broken in that really horrible way. She has stopped using (except for a couple of hiccups) and is in a weekly group to help her with this, and she made a couple of friends from the group. My family is trying to occupy her every spare moment so she can't be home, alone, lonely and sad and tempted to use. It's working ok so far, but she really needs a full-time job too. Finding that has been really hard for her. She has a drug charge on her record, and not many skills, so she ends up working shitty, minimum-wage, part-time jobs. We're trying to find her something better, and for the first time, she has expressed a desire to DO something to make her future better. I know it's a hard, sometimes shitty (literally) job, but she is going to try to be a CNA. My mom and aunt are both nurses with connections, so maybe she can do it. Anything is better than stocking boxes half time at Big Lots for $7-8 an hour. I've been trying to call her every day to check in, but I'm just scared. Things look like they are better, but people don't just magically stop doing drugs once they are into them hardcore. Send our family your good thoughts.

That's all I can manage for now. Oh, except some pop culture stuff, because it requires no thought:
The new Eminem album is good. I have a strange weakness for him. And I'm going to watch the rest of the VMAs tonight. Let me guess? Gaga won every award, ever? Oh, and the season finale of True Blood was unsatisfying. Tomorrow I'm watching the last 2 weeks worth of Weeds and The Big C. I love both those shows, although Weeds is getting stranger and stranger, and I'm sure the show about cancer can only be funny for so long.

P.S. To quote Daria, "I think I'm getting one of those really painful cold sores. So all in all, another great week." Except replace cold sores with really painful and HUGE under-the-skin pimple.

Everything I've heard in the last 48 hours has been awful. A coworker's grandmother died. My sister is back on meth and her boyfriend walked out because of it. A friend's mom is very ill. Another friend was dumped horribly by a jerk of a guy, and she is devastated. I got a call today at work from someone who witnessed the sexual abuse of a developmentally disabled kid at school 4 months ago, and both the district and the police know but nothing has been done.

Today sucks. Sometimes this world is ugly and cruel. It hurts my heart to see all this bad.

God I love Hairspray. Anyway, it's true. I'm blonde, and I'm going to add highlights a little later and go blonder.

And since I'm all about sharing, here's what I'm wearing today.