Saturday was a great time, complete with good friends, cupcakes, ridiculous party favors, and of course, blurry cell phone photos.

The full album is at http://shelly100.xanga.com/albums/174e140332193d/. Some favorites:

The group, minus Jennifer (who took the photo).

Paige, giggling and eating at the same time.

The infamous fart whistles. They're like whoopee cushions, but you blow through them like whistles. Depending on how hard you blow, or whether you tilt them at angles or pinch them, they make different kinds of fart sounds. Greg and I had an awesome time blowing extremely loud fart noises at passersby below. We probably lost like a million brain cells though, and are officially tacky bitches.

The amazing cupcakes I bought for dessert.

My birthday princess hat.

 
Markus pouting over wearing the princess hat. Hahaha. He changed his profile pic to this on Facebook.

I'm 29 today. This is the last year of my 20s. I'm actually looking forward to it.

P.S. My grandma wrote me this email today (an accomplishment in itself, since she has such a hard time with computers and typing especially):

Shelly, when you were born ,this was not yet possible. Cell phones were about the size of a grocery sack and just in the exp. stages., microwaves (as we know them) werent.!! Digital photography was still to come and tobacco was still harmless.( and my hair was still long and Black !! ) So, I guess you've come a long way , Baby !! With much love,Gr.M.

P.P.S. Me a few minutes ago. My skin is looking GOOD!

• I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Not ready for school yet, but starting to feel less free, like the impending doom of school isn't far off anymore. Glad both classes will be online.
• Mom is vacationing in the black hills.
• She and Megan came over and brought lasagna and birthday cake, and we watched Daria and Clarissa Explains it All. Mom gave me cash to go towards a laptop, and Megan gave me cash and some good weed (haha).
• Celebrating with Dad on Sunday. He's going to grill for me, and we'll just hang at his new place, which sounds perfect: relaxing, low-key, no pressure, etc.
• Next Wednesday is my actual birthday (I'll be 29), and then next Saturday I'll celebrate with some friends. Pizza and beer on the roof, and hanging out in my apartment later maybe (if the weather sucks, we'll probably just be down there the whole time). There's a good chance it will either be horribly hot or it will rain. It usually does on my birthday.

What I'm wearing today (kinda...it was hard to find photos of the exact items):

1. It's Friday.
2. My mom and sister are picking me up from work to celebrate my birthday early. They're bringing my mom's homemade lasagna AND birthday cake. And probably presents, yay!
3. I look so cute today.

I got my first tattoo this weekend. It's the symbol for Leo, on my right foot. Reasoning:

• I've always wanted one.
• I love the horseshoe-like shape.
• I will never "grow out" of this concept because my birthday will never change, and I'll always be a Leo.
• It's in a place that can be hidden with socks and/or shoes.
• It's in a place that most people don't look at right away.
• It's small, so it wasn't a huge commitment of time or money.

So far I'm loving it and it's healing really well. Jennifer was super supportive the whole time, and she got a little bat in the same place on her right foot, so now we sort of match. My friend Ashley has her sign in the same place on her foot, so it's sort of a bonding thing now.

If we're Facebook friends, you can view all the pictures. I have an album set up. If we're not Facebook friends, why the hell not?!

Ta-da!

In progress.

Jennifer being a supportive friend through the process.

• The 4th of July was AWESOME. It was at Nick's parent's house (no, they weren't home, and yes, it felt a little like being in high school and getting away with a party while your parents are out of town). It was pretty much the perfect party venue. The music was infuckingcredible, the people were all really nice, and fun was had by all. We had a water balloon/water gun fight, which at times turned outright war-movie vicious. We grilled afterward, and played Truth or Dare Jenga. I was almost starting to feel dry by then, when the rain started pouring like it never does in Colorado. Erik and I went outside in it, and it was almost like a giant outdoor shower it was coming down so hard. There's something nice about someone who will walk out in the rain with you, barefoot and only in underwear.
• After that, Jennifer and I went back to my place to watch the fireworks. The rain was still crazy, plus we were soaked and the wind was blowing, so we watched the fireworks (the ones being set off at the country club) on my roof while freezing to death. I found out I can see those beautifully from my patio, so that's a great plan B for next year. We both passed out on our respective couches and slept for a long time, then went out for brunch later.
• I got my first spray tan after brunch. I feel very so-so about it. My face and feet were tan, but my legs were still white as all get-out. Ridiculous.
• I'm still working away on my degree plan. I might be able to shmooze some of the profs into letting me take independent study for some of the courses that happen during the day. If not, my boss is going to work with me so I can still take the classes I need. I'm hoping that only 2-3 of the courses will be a struggle. The others I can take in the evening or online.
• This weekend I have no plans whatsoever, and I'm kind of looking forward to that.
• 29th birthday in t minus 19 days.

One of my favorite photos from the party:

Look at that predatory behavior! I love it. Also, that's me way in the background, wearing the pink, green and yellow towel on my head and trying to get dry/warm.

Also, this may be one of the greatest pictures of all time. He's *eating* the burger, but he WANTS the beer. Or the brat. Or one of the other phallic-shaped objects in this picture.

• I have old Destiny's Child songs in my head. Mainly because I hinted to my Pandora station that I like some '90s R&B. So now it's bringing up "Jumpin Jumpin," and I'll never, ever stop thinking the lyrics. Sigh.
• We survived the end of the fiscal year at work. There is still a lot going on, but about 85% of it is over. There is still planning going on for the next fiscal year, which starts today, but things are definitely better.
• I've been having this feeling like I can see all the balls in the air, different ones in all different colors being added all the time, but I haven't actually started juggling them. When juggling them becomes a necessity, I'll be making that crying clown face. You know, the loss of innocence and all that. Or the loss of my sanity. Either way.
• Hipsters. My friends are a bunch of fucking hipsters. Which is forcing me to rethink my views on hipsters, since I like my friends so much. Damn.
• School update. We're leaning towards naming the degree something like "Women, Writing & Society." Another option would be to switch to a Women's Studies major, and do an IDP (individualized) minor, which is shorter and easier. As of now, we're moving ahead with the IDP major, though. Here is the first draft of required courses for my new degree (* means I've already taken the course). We're pulling from English, Honors, Poli-Sci, Psych, Sociology, and Women's Studies. The whole point is that this will be an interdisciplinary degree.

  ENG 2100 Introduction to Literary Studies *
  ENG 2410 Survey of Chicana/o Literature *
  ENG 2500 Art & Craft of Writing
  ENG 3440 Myth, Symbol & Allusion *
  ENG 3522 Creative Writing Workshop: Fiction
  HON 342A Feminist Ethics
  PSC 3540 Women in the Developing World
  PSC 360A Women in Power
  PSY 2850 Psychology of Sexuality
  PSY 3920 Women’s Health Issues
  SOC 3430 Gender & Society
  SOC 390K Gender in the Middle East
  WMS 1001 Introduction to Women’s Studies *
  WMS 1650 Women in US History *
  WMS 2100 Women of Color *
  WMS 2770 Gender & Communication
  WMS 3050 Psychology of Gender
  WMS 3310 Women & The Law *
  WMS 346E American Indian Women
  WMS 3600 Social Work with Women *
  WMS 3660 Women & Poverty * (fall 2010)
  WMS 425K Black Women Writers * (fall 2010)

• In other news, Jennifer is on vacation (at home) for a few days, so I have no cubicle mate to talk to. It's weird how I can miss that, especially since I usually don't like people "all up in mah bidness."
• Ashley and Robert are on vacation too, in their home town of Bentonville, Arkansas (home of Wal-Mart, which they rave about because the one THERE is actually decent, compared to the thousands around the planet that are total shit).
• My birthday is July 28. I haven't quite decided what I want to do. Maybe beer and pizza on the roof of my building with a few friends. Nobody has to spend any money, cleanup should be easy, and we can all just hang out and enjoy each other's company. It sounds nice, actually.
• I saw Eclipse last night. It was good. Of course, I need to see it again - by myself - to really make a firm decision about that. It's like when you go to a movie premiere, and you're with other people, there's so much pressure to love the movie, otherwise everyone is disappointed. I'm sure I *will* love the movie, but I do enjoy the freedom of being in the theater alone (in a manner of speaking), and not having anyone elbow me to whisper something they just thought about, or communicate their reaction to a particular scene, etc. Not that I'm not a movie talker, because I am. I try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes I just can't help it. Anyway, the soundtrack is also excellent. I may have an extra copy if anybody wants it.
• Sleep has been an ordeal lately. I don't understand why I can't just lay down in my bed and fall asleep the way people are supposed to do. If you sleep easily, don't ever take it for granted. You are so so so incredibly lucky.

P.S. It has been a little over a month since Ron's funeral. People pretty much don't talk about it at all anymore. I still need to, but it's hard when I am no longer friends with the other people who were really close to him. I have a "notes to self" app on my phone, and I turned it on and just talked to Ron for awhile. It helped a bit.

• Meeting tonight to start planning my individualized degree, since the English department at my school sucks ass and won't offer classes when I need them (like, outside of work hours or online). I'm thinking of combining some English, Journalism, and other courses to create something that will involve books, reading, writing, the origins of the written word, etc. More on that later.
• I'm sore all over from helping my dad move last weekend. I did a solid 7-8 hours of unpacking, lifting, organizing, assembling, etc. I also helped for a couple of hours on Father's Day too. My sister and I got him an iPod Shuffle, and then we went to the BBQ my uncle throws every year for this holiday.
• At the BBQ, my grandmother (the mean one, dad's side) showed a really ugly side. The older she gets, the more difficult she becomes. She told me and my cousin (the oldest and second oldest grandkids) that we need to hurry up and get married already. Then she told my aunt that she was going to go to hell if she kept saying "oh my god" because it was a sin. My aunt was clearly pissed off, but everyone knows it is honestly not worth fighting with my grandmother, no matter the issue. She once screamed at my dad and then didn't speak to him for 2 days because he didn't eat his second dinner roll. This was last month, not when he was 4.
• Last night Nick came over and we went to the roof to watch the sun set on the longest day of the year. It was really nice. There is so much to see from 13 stories up, especially in my Capitol Hill / downtown neighborhood, and when I have almost a 360-degree panoramic view.
• One of my coworkers (the cute married guy whom I like "like that" but also as friends) is getting laid off June 30. He is one of the things that brightens EVERYONE'S day, and it will suck when he is gone. I see a lot of dark times in the future for state workers, what with low morale, budget cuts, furlough days, no raises, and of course, in my case, the slow collapse of the entire library industry.

P.S. I have cramps. That is all.

Did that title draw you in? Ha.

It's true, though. I've been hanging on (for 5 or 6 years now) to the pipe I used to smoke meth from. I haven't touched it in that period of time, and never will again, but somehow I haven't been able to bring myself to get rid of it. Nick and I were randomly talking about drugs, and all of a sudden I had this desperate need to get. it. the. fuck. out. of. my. house.  I pulled it out of the bubble wrap, cut straws, q-tips, and various pipe-scraping tools falling out with it. I gave everything a cursory glance, noticed that there was still the tiniest of rocks stuck inside one of the baggies, then put it all back neatly in the bag and threw it down the trash chute. Nick and I listened to make sure it hit the bottom of the trash can after falling 8 floors. It did.

The whole thing was upsetting, and there was an odd moment of regret a little later that day, but I'm glad it's gone. That part of my life is OVER. It fucked up my family, and I still get twinges after YEARS of going without it. However, I'm not sorry I did meth, and I'm not even sorry I got further into it than I should have. I learned from everything, so none of it was a waste.

From my private, junkie Xanga account, November 13, 2003:

"who the fuck am i kidding? i go awhile without meth and i think, ive beaten it. sure i know it will always be in the back of my mind a little bit, but i think i'm over the cravings and all that. well FUCK IT. i know someone whose life was completely and utterly destroyed by this stuff, who swore he would never (after 10 years) do it again...i saw him tempted by it tonight. if we had actually been able to find any, he would have done it. this shit will never let you go. i was in physical pain tonight thinking about being able to do it again. i finally have some cash and i know i will be calling my dealer first thing tomorrow to buy mass amounts. it's been too long and i miss it. and i'm scared. when i think about my life and can see into my future, imagining myself working at a job i like or settled down with a family or whatever, no matter how stupid it seems, i know it's all ok. but when, like tonight, i can't see anything at all in my future, it's terrifying. all i see is a dead end. am i going to die? will i end up a nobody with no friends, no dreams, just living from fix to fix? it's so frightening i don't know what to do...but i also don't know what i'll do if i don't get some tomorrow....oh god someone please help me...what can i do? i don't want to live without it...but living with it is no life at all....it will never stop haunting me....everything hurts...i need to bleed or feel some sort of external pain...because what's inside hurts too bad to deal with right now. physical pain goes away...it's a relief to feel those endorphins rushing to the rescue...mental pain is harder to stop and i don't know how to make it stop anyway. i'm a masochist...bring it on i say. but this...is just too much. i need to bleed tonight. not enough to do too much damage, just enough to make me realize i'm still human and fragile and that i will make it through tonight ok. if i bleed, i'm still alive. right? oh god i hope so..."

I am so incredibly glad these days are behind me.

I was best friends with Ron for 7 years. He had gotten AIDS long before I even met him, and I knew that one day, I would lose my friend to it. I never thought he and Jerry would break up, and that our little family would choose sides and then split down the middle. I never thought I would end up taking care of Ron like I did, in and out of hospitals for weeks at a time, losing work and school time to be there for him, the stress slowly eating away at me. I never thought a point would come where I cared more about his health than he did. I never thought I would have to tell him I couldn't do it anymore if he didn't even try. And I never thought he would stop being my friend because I cared so much about him. We haven't spoken since last July, except 3 weeks ago when I found out it was near the end. I visited him to say goodbye, not because I was sorry about what happened; I don't regret my choices or anything that I said because it was all out of love and worry. Still, seeing a barely cogent, shaky, skeletal version of the friend I used to know was incredibly sad, and so was knowing that he was still angry with me.

I'm nervous about the funeral tonight. I don't want to see all of my old friends who dropped me because I was "judgmental" of the lifestyle that was turning them into shallow, anorexic, alcoholic, drug- and disease-laden idiots. I don't want to see the same people who abandoned Ron, and now think I abandoned him when I just couldn't let his bad choices ruin my life too. Most of the people who were at his bedside when he flat-lined were only there because they got credit for it, because they were excited by it, or because they got attention for it. 2 of the people never gave a flying fuck about him, and Ron absolutely hated one of the others. I'm glad he wasn't alone, but I'm angry that these are the people who were with him when he left us.

It makes me sad that he was still upset with me at the end. I never meant to hurt his feelings by telling him I couldn't be his friend in the same way if he continued down his self-destructive path. I don't think I was wrong to do it, and I do think he took it too personally instead of seeing it as me wanting him to be healthy and not die some horrible death. When it comes down to it, the whole thing is sad. I wish nobody had hurt anyone. I wish he didn't have to die like that. AIDS is such an ugly way to go, and I know that he wasn't ready to go. He wasn't even 40 yet.

Sigh. I'm so glad I have 4 good friends coming with me to the funeral tonight. They cared about Ron and they should be there, but it will also be nice to have a buffer, some shoulders to cry on.

I just want this to be over with.