I am out of leave time, and my work's policy on leave without pay is so strict that if I take it without about 5 people approving it first, I could lose my job.

So here I am, grieving at my desk because of a policy.

Ron died last night after a long battle with AIDS. We were best friends for 7 years, and even though we fell out last summer, he will be missed. Rest in peace, old friend.

Stuff.

The window in my cubicle at work. It has a stunning view of the old people's home, and features a loud bum fight promptly at 3pm daily. Still, I like my little ledge and the fact that I have a window at all. The Calla lilies are from my boss, and the orchid is from one of the managers, both for Admin day. The little tile I got in Hawaii. It says "I'd rather be on Maui." Which is totally, completely, 100% true.

My status board at work. Nick drew the picture awhile back, and everyone who sees it always loves it. Jennifer changed the status to "awesome" for Admin day, because she knew it would make me smile. (I also felt a little self-conscious, like people would think I was calling myself awesome.)

This was an accidental picture, but I don't know...I kind of like it.

Mecha Tilly! Reow! Muhahaha!

Not the best time to pet her. Look at those ears!

She is a total bed hog. You can also see where she licks off all her fur. She's basically got a crew cut on her belly, so you can see all of her little cat nipples. Gross, weird cat. She has psychogenic alopecia, which means the over-grooming is behavioral.

And finally, me with my no-nonsense face. I mean business.

I am DONE with school until August. Squeee!!!!

I also got my car back (to the tune of $850). Squeee!!!!

I'm going to a Not Another Teen Movie watching party on Friday, complete with a late Cinco de Mayo meal including margs and guac (did you notice that those are douche words?). Squeee!!!!

I refuse to let myself be dragged down by bad stuff today, like thoughts about how I'm hating what is going on at work and in the world, and how I suck for having a dirty house, not doing laundry, being overweight, not cleaning my cat's litter box often enough, and always spending way too much money. Nope. Not thinking about it. La la la la la la.

So my car is broken. I just found out it's going to be almost $1,000 to get it fixed. Life is just so awesome right now. I LOVE IT.

1. Gas pedal cable broken
2. Cam shaft center broken
3. Brakes out of adjustment, need to be rotated. Front brake pads and rotors need to be replaced.

Total: $929.98

The mechanic is working on lowering the cost of fixing the brakes for me, as well as looking for better deals on parts. Still, it sucks. Especially since I spent $3600 on a new engine a couple of years ago.

I took myself on a little "date" last night, because I felt like doing something but I also didn't want the pressure of being with someone else while I was out doing it. I went to Maggiano's for some pasta (omfg it was great), and then saw Date Night (which is so sad considering I went alone). Anyway, I usually enjoy time out by myself, but this time it was just depressing. I felt incredibly lonely, and I don't usually experience that. Meh.

P.S. This is SO TRUE. I could have written this.

I have been teetering on the edge of full-blow depression, and all the shitty things that have happened recently have pushed me ever closer to the edge. I had what would normally have been an annoying, but not disastrous, conversation with someone in Accounting, and it seriously made me feel completely depressed, hopeless, sad, overwhelmed, and lost.

How the fuck am I going to get through the next hour/day/week/month/year? I hate this feeling of hurt; I hate suffering; I hate feeling so vulnerable that anything could push me over to a place where it feels so dark I don't think I can function.

It's all just too much. I want to run away home, quit my job, give up. It's awful, because I know those are the worst choices I could make, and yet all I want to do is withdraw and escape.

Please, world, just let me get through the end of the fiscal year, and the end of finals, and the certainty of Ron's death, and my broken car, and all the minutiae of life like cleaning my really disgusting apartment, and doing my laundry, and seeing my friends and not wanting to run away the whole time, and don't let me kill somebody or go postal or quit my job or do anything else drastic.

I hate everything that is happening right now.

Shitty stuff that has happened in the last week:

• I had my period last week and my hormones were crazy out of control. I was FURIOUS most of the time, and when I wasn't furious, I was weepy. I haven't had it that bad in...well, ever.
• By the time Friday rolled around, 2 people had literally yelled at me on the phone at work (which is not a usual thing), I was about to explode from anger and frustration with government bureaucracy bullshit, and I had just had it. I went home at 11am in an attempt to salvage my mental health.
• (The weekend was fine.)
• Yesterday some jerk on the street elbowed his friend and said, loudly and about me, *cough*that's a huge bitch!*cough* I know what I look like. I didn't need some 5'6" troll to tell me I'm fat to complete my Monday. My self-esteem was shattered all because of this idiot, and I was furious with myself for allowing him to get to me like that.
• I got a call from Jerry, and I knew the only reason he would call would be to tell me that 1) Ron is dead, or 2) Ron is dying. It was the latter. After thinking about it, I decided to go see him while he was still semi-coherent.
• Let me tell you: AIDS is an ugly, horrible disease. I would rather never have sex again than risk getting a disease like that. Ron has been declining for years now, but this was different. His face was skeletal, his hands shook, his lips were bloody-dry, his eyes kept rolling into the back of his head, part of his mouth was pulled up to one side the whole time, and his speech was so slurred, I could only understand about every 3rd word.
• Also, I'm pretty sure he's still mad at me. I haven't seen him for a year because I told him that I can't keep taking care of him if he won't take steps to take care of himself. It was an ultimatum, basically, and I don't regret it. By telling him the truth and telling him where I draw the line, I was being his friend, even if he doesn't see that. All he can see is that I hurt his feelings, and for him, that was a friendship-ending thing. He said he was surprised I was even there because he wasn't planning on calling me. He said I really hurt him. This could have been an opportunity to let the past be the past, but I think he just couldn't get past the fight we had. It's sad, but I don't regret anything I said. I won't be going back to the hospital again. Still, since last night, I have been an absolute wreck. 
• Oh, did I mention that I had to see Jerry again, and he acted like nothing was wrong between us, and that he had never dropped me or stopped calling me or anything?
• There's also that part about how my car broke down on the way to the hospital. It's like my gas pedal is permanently stuck down. My brakes weren't working because my car was trying to go instead of stop. I had my foot off the gas and was going uphill, but was still rapidly accelerating. When I turn on the car, the engine sounds like I'm gunning the hell out of it. So yeah. That's awesome too.
• The pièce de résistance: I'm in the middle of finals on top of everything else. Fuck fuck fuck.
• I stayed home from work today. I've felt somewhere between exhausted, sick, weepy, and in mourning all day today.

Something good:

My friends and family really love and care about me, and are SO THERE when I need them. I can be grateful for that. Nick took care of me last night, which I really appreciate. "So shines a good deed in a weary world."

My new obsession is my dictionary of douche words, The Douchionary. Join me on Facebook or subscribe to the blog!

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I feel like too much is going on lately to even write anything. My head is a spinning, swirling vortex of thoughts that go by so fast, they can't be captured. It's like trying to take a photo of something in motion. School is wrapping up in 2-3 weeks, work is crazy as always, and I'm always thinking too much. I'll be so much happier when the summer comes, not because I like the heat (I HATE it in fact), but because I won't be in school AND working at the same time. I can't wait.

I'm in a bad-ass mood. Not as in: I'm a total badass! but as in: I want to fucking kill EVERYONE!

My boss is a piece of shit.
Government bureaucracy is shit (I wrote bureaucrazy...that also fits)
Academia is shit
Medication is shit
Waking up early is shit
Having to be friendly is shit
Having "ugly days" is shit

Huh.

Just as I was typing this, a woman from work who is a total bitch came up to me and handed me a beautiful mini orchid plant as a thank you for dealing with a bunch of bullshit recently.

Now I can't be mad...but I wasn't *done* being mad... *sigh*.