There are a bunch of idiots screaming and cheering and wooing and clapping somewhere near my apartment. A big group of them. I'm on the 8th floor, so they are being LOUD for me to be able to hear it in bed with the patio door closed and the curtains pulled. It's been going on for at least a half an hour. And it's eight o' fucking clock in the morning on a Sunday. I bet they are some stupid-ass arm-waving Jesus freaks or something. Who the hell else can get that excited on a Sunday morning? What the hell?!?!?!

Those bastards. I'd like to go down there and give them all bloody noses. (I originally typed "nooses". Freudian slip? Yes. Yes, it was.)

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UPDATE: It wasn't Christianity enthusiasts. It was the one thing more annoying than that: marathon runners. Today is apparently the Denver Marathon, and there have been 10,000 assholes making noise outside since 7am. The whole damn city is blocked off so they can enjoy "a scenic route past many of Denver's major landmarks".

Wtf. I went out to get some breakfast, and it took me 45 minutes to get to a place about 2 miles away, and then another 50 minutes to find a way home. I was trapped in my own city! Cars were lined up all over the place, going down narrow streets only to find them blocked, using alleys to sneak through and then having to back all the way out again; people were arguing with cops, arguing with each other, getting into wrecks, etc. It's a fucking MESS out there, and I'm furious at how this was handled. If you live in capitol hill, there was literally NO way to leave the city without driving through the marathon route around the runners and risk getting caught and ticketed or arrested. Fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

P.S. I don't mind the marathon, exactly. I mind the fact that it started so early on a Sunday, and worst of all, that there were no clear exit routes for cars ANYWHERE. It was piss poor planning.

P.P.S. Why do they have to scream and shout and clap?!? There is something seriously wrong with people who get up at ass o'clock in the morning, put on spandex, and run around outside yelling "woo!!!!".

Good: 
I kicked ass on my presentation last night. I went first to get it over with, and while I was totally nervous, people said it didn't come across that way. They told me they were really impressed by my thoroughness, and loved my PPT. Even better than doing well, I did better than everyone else, too. HA!!! I'm so glad this is all over. I can get through anything now that I've made it through this.

Not So Good:
I got a mystery text early this morning that had a picture of Ron in a hospital bed, and a message that said something like, "Please come visit him. He needs your support." So yeah...not my idea of a good way to wake up. Ron and I are not friends anymore, and I've made my peace with that, and with the fact that his illness will eventually kill him. I don't believe that my visiting him would do a damn thing to help him, and it would fuck me the hell up, so I don't think I'll go. I did find out the text was from Jerry (who basically hasn't talked to me in 9 months, and who is NOT my friend anymore), and that pisses me off. Plus since I have no contact with these people anymore, how would I even have known Ron was back in Colorado? How would I know he was in the hospital at all? And sending a photo of him in the hospital? SO tacky and horrible. Ugh. This whole thing brough up a bunch of stuff that I would just as soon let stay in the past.

I hate that things start to get better and then something shitty gets dropped on me again. But no matter.

Tonight I'm going to hang with friends, relax, and carve a pumpkin. Because carving pumpkins fixes all of life's problems.

With everything that is going on right now, I'm not exactly thrilled with the fact that I've been getting my period every 3 weeks instead of every 4. Gee, thanks, reproductive system.

My oral presentation for my Women & the Law class is tomorrow evening. I'm scared, but at least I have my paper written (it's 5 pages too long but oh well), and my PowerPoint done (it's 5 minutes too long when I present it, but again, oh well). I'm going to do my best to talk to the class rather than just read exactly what's on the PPT. When all this is over, I might actually be able to breathe again, and maybe even see my friends like an actual human being.

Wish me luck?

I meant the title to be a literal description of the weather today, but I won't deny that it applies to my mental state as well. Things are feeling almost hopeless with school. I'm sick inside because of it. It's also pretty bad just waiting around for a family member to die. You can't grieve yet but you want to, and you crave resolution but there isn't one.

I get a weather report every morning in my email, and the subject in today's said "Thursday's Canadian Guest":

A blast of cold air from Canada today marks the end of mild weather for
much of the state and the cool temperatures will last into the weekend.



Not only will there be temperatures 30 to 40 degrees colder today
than they were yesterday we'll also have rain changing over to snow
very early in the day.

Oh, Colorado. I've lived here all my life and I'm still not used to those crazy weather changes. Also, I should be seeing the sunrise about now, but it's so dark outside that it looks like the middle of the night. For a moment when I first woke up, I thought someone had played a prank on me by setting my clocks forward (à la Amélie). Then I realized I don't have clocks, just a cell phone (which won't let me change the time on it anyway).

(Watch the whole clip if you can, but if not, at least watch from 1:50 to 3:30.)

Tomorrow is a mandatory furlough day for state employees, so I'll be off...but without pay. At least I still have a job, and to be honest, I could use the study time anyway. I'll be in a social coma until probably the end of the month.

My great-grandfather is still alive, even though he doesn't really want to be. I haven't had the courage to go visit him. Even the thought of it gets me crying too hard to talk, and I don't want him to see me like that. I also don't want to put myself through that, and I don't want to remember him that way. When I found out he was getting a little better (he's still going to die, but it will be slower), I was almost angry. Like, fuck! I don't want to go through this pain yet AGAIN down the road. I don't want him to die, but I do want this to be over.

I'm seeing death and funerals and everything related to them everywhere I look these days. At first I thought that more of this stuff was going on, but now I think it's just on my mind more, so I notice it more. It's sad though...movies and TV, cemetaries and funeral homes, black for mourning, crying family members and lovers...ugh. I see it everywhere I look.

On top of the grieving process, I am extremely stressed out. Like at the end of my rope stressed. My great-grandfather is dying, and I pulled something in my back (while stretching in bed) that is making my back and neck painful all the time, work is insanely busy (I'm going to tell my boss I just can't work with this kind of load on me all the time, and that I need either more help or less work), and I'm behind in school (not to mention midterms are this week and omfg I can't deal). It's always everything all at once. Why is that?

P.S. My mom has H1N1, and I was in contact with her on Wednesday and Friday.

My 99-year-old great-grandfather is suffering from congestive heart failure and acute anemia. His 100th birthday is tomorrow, if he makes it until then. Apparently, it is not a matter of if he will die from this, but when. It could be a day or so, or it could be 3 weeks. I drove back to my hometown to be with my family last night at about 11pm, after I found out and cried hysterically for a good 45 minutes. This was followed by more crying on the drive there, and even more crying when I arrived (the kind where you can't breathe, where your heart hurts so bad you think you might die), then a terrible headache, and then, at last, sleep. This morning, I couldn't just sit around waiting for him to die. I didn't want to hear that he refused a blood transfusion (or anything to do with the hospital), refused anything that would help him get better or at least more comfortable. I couldn't listen to my mom tell me that I was his favorite and that I had the opportunity to go see him one last time while he was still mentally coherent. I couldn't listen to her tell me that he said, "Jesus, take me home" last night. I don't blame him for refusing treatment. He has had a very long, and very good life, and he belongs in the comfort of his home, with his family, rather than in a cold, sterile hospital with needles and tubes and heart monitors and people who don't know what a good man he is and how the world will be a worse place when he leaves it.

So today I drove back home, to work. At least here I can concentrate on something besides how much this hurts. He is my favorite grandfather. He is the kindest, most loving, and most accepting man I have ever known. He is the only man who hasn't made me feel ashamed or hurt or that what I am is anything less than divine.

This hurts so bad.

I woke up with a splitting headache this morning, and found myself desperately in need of coffee. Now that I've had some, the headache is better, but not gone. The fact that my cat was meowing non-stop and following my everywhere I went from the moment I woke up didn't help either. She is so needy it just drives me CRAZY sometimes. I would not do well with a child.

Maybe my head was hurting because I spent 9 goddamn hours on a 7-page research paper yesterday, and I pretty much worked straight through with only one or two short breaks. It might be nice, at some point, to briefly outline what I've learned in my alternative medicine class so far, after having to write 2 research papers. It could be boring, but it's a nice review for me with midterms coming up in a few weeks. We'll see.

Anyway, because of this class, I'm more interested in herbal medicine and using natural substances as opposed to chemical ones (not that those are always bad). I just emailed my psych doc to ask if it's safe to take St. John's Wort (for depression) on top of what I'm already taking. I hope he'll say yes, because I already bought a bottle of it and took one this morning.

I think I'll spare you the Women & the Law info. It's fascinating but I've learned so much that this entry would be way too long to ask anyone to read. Plus I need to do some actual work.

Oh, but first some shallow stuff. Today I'm wearing a charming little yellow cami with button details on the top and fluttery cap sleeves (which you can't see). Over that I have a very lightweight, brown, 3/4 sleeve cardigan paired with black slacks, my new brown moccasins, a beaded statement ring, some dangly bead earrings, and a mixed bead necklace (all in fall colors, but none of them matchy).

This is basically it. I couldn't find the exact cami, sweater or earrings, but this is pretty damn close.

I need to start using a real camera. I always look so blotchy and oddly colored in cell phone pics.

• I slept so well last night!
• For breakfast this morning I had Grape Nuts cereal (I've always hated that name), a tall glass of water, and a generous handful of strawberries I picked from the garden myself a few minutes ago.
• There is something magical about going outside, hand selecting and picking your own food, rinsing it off, and enjoying the hell out of it. I don't think I'll ever tire of the fact that these delicious strawberries were growing in a garden outside 10 minutes ago, and now they're in my tummy. Awesome.
• It's really quiet around here. I love peace and quiet. Maybe if it were the Victorian era, I'd be one of those women who was always complaining that "my nerves can't take it!" and fainting, and needing smelling salts.
• Megan (my sister) sent me a text this morning that said "Are you ok? I heard you got shit faced last night." I scrolled down, and there was a disgusting picture of a woman with someone taking a big runny dump on her face. Ugh. She sends me nasty stuff like that all the time.
• Today I'm going to work on my homeopathy paper for a little while, then go to my cousin's 2nd birthday party, and then hang out with my dad after that. I might squeeze in some laundry, but will probably have to save that, and the rest of my paper, for tomorrow.
• Regarding homeopathy: I can't tell if it's a bunch of bullshit or not. It seems hokey and nothing in science can even remotely back it up (which is why it's called pseudoscience by many people), and yet for some people there is a legitimate improvement in their conditions. It's probably the power of suggestion, and the mind-body connection, where people get better when they truly believe something will help, and they can, in essence, wish themselves well. Hmm.
• I'm off to play some Scrabble on Facebook and then shower before I dig in to my paper. Byeeee.

It was SO HARD to get out of bed this morning. I sauntered in to work about 30 minutes late, but I'll take a shorter lunch to make up for it, so no biggie.

I'm going to stay at my grandmother's house in the country this weekend (she's out of town, but my sister and her boyfriend are house sitting). I get the master bedroom, which has a massive bed with satin sheets, built-in shelves full of books, windows all over looking out on the foothills, a walk-in closet, giant bathtub, etc. It is a wonderful place to sleep and hang out during the weekend. I'll need some peace and quiet, because I have to finish (ok, start) that paper on homeopathy, which is due Sunday night.

Oh, btw, the opposite of peace and quiet? I'll be attending my cousin Ava's second birthday party at Chuck E Cheese on Saturday. Oh, man. I'll also get to hang out with my dad, though, which I'm really looking forward to. Always do.

At my class last night, we discussed sexual harassment, and watched a film on the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill fiasco in the early '90s. I was only 10 when this was going on, so I really knew very little about it until last night. While I think they were both railroaded by the media and our government, I do think he sexually harassed her. Also, it was hilarious to see the people in the video that are just straight-up crazy conservative Republican assholes, and how many of them are still around today. There were a lot of other familiar faces, including Joe Biden (who at that time was the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee).

Today I'm feeling productive and on top of things. This is a very good thing. Also, I'm wearing argyle. Who doesn't feel better when they wear argyle? The answer: nobody.

Here is my new argyle sweater vest thingie, with the white shirt underneath attached.

The super long chain necklace I'm wearing with it. I bought this a long time ago, and it goes well with so many things. I adore it.

Me in the clothes. I'm wearing this with some dark wash jeans and the same shoes (neutral metallic loafers) and ring (silver with large yellow stone) I wore yesterday. I didn't really mean to look pouty or sad in the picture; I was going for relaxed and quietly happy. It's funny how you think you portray a certain image, and the camera proves you wrong.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

1. I updated my profile.
2. The new shirt I wore yesterday dyed my skin blue. It's still there even after showering. I look like a big bruise, a Smurf, or Violet Beauregard (after she ate the gum).

Thanks,
Management

---

But... "None of
that matters, though, because I LOOK SO CUTE TODAY."

I
have
on a new sweater (orange, if you can believe it) and scarf, grey slacks, some neutral metallic loafer-type flats, silver dangly earrings, and a big silver ring with yellow center that I've never gotten a chance to wear before. I also re-dyed my hair so it's auburn rather than just brown. I've gotten a ton of compliments today and it's only 9am. That certainly can't hurt my self-esteem (which has totally suffered this year), so it might seem shallow, but I feel like I need to look good and have other people notice that in order to feel good.

 
This is the sweater and scarf.

And here's me in them.

Today
for lunch I'm having a roast beef and provolone sandwich on the best bread EVER. I have carrots and fruit to go with, and some strawberry yogurt with granola or almonds for a snack later this afternoon. I'm going to need protein because on Thursdays I go straight from work (a 9-hour day) to school (for another 3 hours). By the time I get home, it has been 13 hours straight.

Today I want to sneak in a bit of research for my homeopathy paper, finish the reading for my Women & the Law class tonight, and get a ton of those little side projects done for work (you know, the ones that sit there for weeks because other things are more important, but secretly they drive you NUTS until they are done).

It's almost Friday. This is miraculous.